Abhi To Tension Suru Hui Hai!!!!

                  Yes yes, I know that you’ve been desperately waiting for my posts for the past two months. Oh wait!! That’s just me. The truth is that a lot of ideas keep coming to this highly unused brain but then, typing burns a lot of calories. Probably more than 10, which is a lot by my standards. But tomorrow also happens to be my exam, and I am in the ‘I am desperate enough to do anything but study’ mode. So I therefore came out of my temporary hibernation and naturally chose the most common and relatable topic of the month, the Bored Exams (I’m pretty sure that’s the correct spelling).

                       This is for the poor class 12^th chaps who have just finished with their papers after being told a couple of years ago during their 10^th standard ‘Beta bas ye do saal important hain..... Inme padh lo fir aage aish hi aish hai’.......

Remember these fancy words? Feeling betrayed aren’t you?

Well then let me make it easier for you and give you an insight into the future. IT IS OVER....The bubble has been burst.

Nothing is going to happen. It is just going to go downhill from here and you’ll start hating your life even more. Motivational quotes like ‘Live your life to the fullest’, ‘It is not the end of world’, ‘You are destined for so much’, ‘Marks do not matter’,  ‘Enjoy the small moments’, or my favourite ‘YOLOatiwbigciim (You Only Live Once and that is while browsing Google Chrome in incognito mode)’ are a farce.

Things will remain as they have always been and life will seem like a big drag. Not to mention, you will live your entire life quite the same way you have been, with the fun quotient decreasing every year.

I have therefore tried to prepare  an almost exhaustive list of the type of students you are and what you’ll do later in life (I really have no work to do AT ALL). This does not include once in a decade exceptions like those mentioned in Shiv Khera and Robin Sharma books. This is just a shallow observation of how a life of the student from a middle-class family unfolds.

1.       The Ruthless Toppers: You are among the ones who scored 99.98412 in class 10 and then cried because of losing that 1 mark in English as the correction was probably biased and the world was conspiring against you and nothing was going your way. You’ll probably end up scoring a devastatingly low 98 this time and you’ll mourn with your whole family and won't eat for a few days. If you’re from the science stream (you probably are), you would either get into a decent enough engineering college (no IITs; you obviously do not know the concepts you mugger) or your father is a doctor or you’ll be an SRCC reject ending up in a Correspondence Course (as DU is aiming for a 110 mark cutoff this time). You’ll end up getting the highest marks in your college as well and then you’ll end up getting a good job after which you’ll either end up getting frustrated with your life or you’ll end up cracking the civil services/being a CEO of a multinational company. The one thing you’ll never do is regret your lifestyle. Sure, you will have your weak moments, you’ll get teased by most people, but since it is in your blood and habit, you won’t stop and in short.... You’ll END UP doing something worthwhile with your life. The End.

2.       The ‘Yaar kuch aata hi nahi’ deceivers: Before you start getting defensive, let me clarify that this is a relative category. For eg. For A person who continuously sees red on his/her Report Card, A Guy/Girl saying this and yet getting the passing marks is the culprit of this group; For the latter, the person getting in 60’s is the one; with the chain finally stopping just below category #1. The truth is, it's not your fault. You have never been really sure of yourselves and that is why you tend to take the safe route. You always tend to be a bit pessimistic about yourselves and after scoring relatively better marks you end up getting all the flak from your peers. You will get good marks and end up in decent colleges where you will make a mark of your own. You do come under the pressure of the society and tend to behave in that way but you will still shine despite being in positions which do not suit you. You might never be satisfied with your life ever, but people close to you will recognise your efforts and always look up to you for guidance. You might not get to do everything you ever wanted, but you’ll learn to compromise and sacrifice and still find solace and happiness in that.

3.       The Kaale Ghode: You silently scored 85-95 in 10^th. You know things but rarely speak in front of the teachers so they do not know about your talents. You will also score the same marks in 12^th but will surprise everyone in entrance exams by getting into IITs or clearing your CA papers with outstanding marks. You’ll also be the dark horses over there and will slowly polish yourselves to get the best high-paying jobs available. You will always wonder what it takes to be at the top, but you won’t complain, as money will buy you most of the things you ever aimed for. In short, your lives will be super busy, you’ll have a lot of money, but you’ll just be getting enough time to spend some of it.

4.       The ‘Bhaunkne and not Kaatne waale’: You have chewed off the mind and souls of almost all the teachers you’ve ever studied under. Teachers tend to run away from you because you just irritate them for no reason, ask unnecessary questions, and repeatedly fail to convert your class heroics into marks. You will continue to do so with your college teachers and your marks pattern will be the same. But this habit of yours will bear fruit one day when you’ll find employers or colleagues of your kind and you will prosper under them. You’ll mature with age and will use your speaking prowess to your advantage.

5.       The ‘Arts’ Waale: You are the equivalent of Mothers in a society. You have the toughest and the most boring subjects with you, and still you’ll be ridiculed by everyone...... throughout your student life. Sentences like...... ‘Are Arts liya? Tch tch tch’ will be the most compassionate thing you’ll ever hear. At one point in life, you’ll get frustrated and do one of the following:-

·         Aim for Civil Services or join an NGO

·         Try becoming teachers

·         Have a mood swing and aim for unrelated things like MBA and then fail at it.

·         Become successful artists in your respective fields and prove everyone wrong (probably won’t happen)

But in the end, after a few years, people will start looking up to you because the names of your degrees will be unpronounceable and sound very learned. The same people who made fun of you will seek advices from you for everyone and your time for showing off your skills will start then.

6.       The BBA (Back Benchers’ Assocation) Members: You made it through class 10 without having any notes, bunking all classes, and getting notes in your diaries and you still scored good marks. You’ll continue to do so and still succeed in 12^th too. Things will get worse for you when you start your college life. The number and the types of distractions will enable you to struggle with studies, no matter what subject, stream or college you choose. Back Papers, low marks and lazy attitude will define your character and you will plummet to new lows. But after an adequate period of nadir, you’ll choose to settle and will finally make your parents and relatives proud.

                                                                                                                

7.       The ‘Padhai Chhod ke kuch bhi karega’ bracket: This category is the most sought after which swells to become an organisation by the time college life finishes. You have wanted to participate in your passions since birth and are only studying because the society asks you to do so. You will end up sacrificing your talents somewhere midway through your college as you’ll be shouldered with responsibilities but will inspire others to join your bandwagon. You’ll have short bursts of showcasing your ‘other’ abilities throughout your lives but you might never be able to pursue them diligently. But you’ll also be content in the end, because you’ll find out, like everyone else above, that you never really had any other option.

                        So, I now realise that 7 categories aren’t enough to accommodate millions of people, but I guess, that broadly, you’ve got the idea about yours. And in the end, I have ended up doing what I hate the most. ‘Giving Gyaan’. But life’s unfair. So, best of luck for your future, I guess. On my part, I’ll try and come up with something more demeaning next time. Right now, I am barely able to write anymore. So Good Night!!!

Women, You Can't Win!!!

My creative juices have somewhat stopped flowing after 3 articles. I have started losing interest in this just like I do so after anything. I easily become bored with any worthwhile work which stretches over a period of time – any considerable period of time. Well, you see, I am not a woman; and therefore, I am allowed to do so. I am not expected to perform the same mundane and inhumane tasks everyday without ever complaining or budging an inch. I have always waited for the day when your lot would succumb to your daily/lifely routine, put up your hands, and say 'Enough is Enough!' But Alas! I am disappointed every time.

Yes my ladies, this exactly is our (the men of course) problem. We are jealous of you irrespective and because of everything you're able to do. You may feel it’s the other way round but it is not. Our violence towards you stems from the dissatisfaction and anger we have towards the Creator. The basic human tendency is to desire something one does not have. Imagine all your materialistic cravings ever, all the things or beings you've ever wanted to have or be, rolled into a single ball of aspiration. That is the magnitude of our want. Yes, of course you are an OBJECT, which is worth preserving, for we are not even worth having or possessing. You are the kinder one, the tender one, the prettier one, the mature one, the multi-tasker, the balancer, the life-giver, the life-maker, the home-maker, the socialiser, the therapist, the healer, and the soul mate. We are worthless without you. The word beauty was invented because of you. The source of nature’s abstract beauty is derived from yours. A man may be handsome, cute, debonair, dashing or maybe even pretty. But have you heard of someone being a ‘beautiful’ man?  You’re everything we’ve ever wanted to be.

Then how come we have dominated you for so long? How come you have been the secondary sex for centuries? How come you have had to struggle so hard to get an equal status as us? Shouldn’t it all have been the other way round?

The answer perhaps lies in the single attribute God nonchalantly gave us so that we could protect and preserve his most valuable creation. THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH (Feminists: kindly accept this one silently because you know you cannot refute.  Boys: No, it’s not the lower body-part as well because they give us birth; and kindly do not even try to start the 'getting kicked in the crotch' debate, for it’s NOT the same, getting kicked continuously for an hour might come close though). Yes, the Upper Body Strength. And then He created Darwin, whose theory of ‘Survival of the fittest’, we took to heart. We knew that if we did not react quickly, we’d be conquered in no time. And it was then that we started shifting the balance of power in our favour. Believe me, this was no easy job. Year-by-year, Centuries after centuries of inflicting pain, humiliation, mind-numbing molestation, combined with systematic terror-inducing persuasion and brainwashing, finally enabled us to make you believe that we are the superior sex. The blatant misuse of one tiny fine-tuning of our metabolic system made us reverse the whole-process of mankind (kindly note that it’s never womankind) and transformed you into thinking that you depend on us. God can simply call on the M-Seal company to be His (Ha! He’s a He too!!) Brand ambassador just for their fitting tagline ‘Ek tapakti boond aapki zindagi badal sakti hai’ (A single droplet can change your life).

           

         It has been a careful, wonderful and a well-orchestrated plan though. Firstly, we outnumbered you by continuously killing you at birth itself (the sub-continent method; processes differ from region to region). After de-equalising the ratio, we created some convenient rules of the society. We accused you of many ill-deeds, sins of the past, for eg. calling your menstrual pains the results of the Eve's misdeeds (differs yet again, suit yourselves) and many other theories. Since we were in the majority, we had the liberty to take any fact and twist it into any ridiculous way and then impose it upon you without you ever questioning. Once it was established that you could do us no harm, we started reminding you about your multiple duties towards us. We kept piling more upon you, so much so that you were expected to do more work at once than Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris combined. To our surprise, you still thrived. Tell us to boil water and milk in two different pans at once and we would panic, but you could effortlessly cook multiple dishes, change the diaper of the baby, wash the clothes, talk to the neighbour across, greet the visitors with utmost dignity, uphold the honour of your adopted family while ignoring yours, all at once.

We were stumped on seeing this, and increased the jealousy quotient by a few notches. Something had to be done. After all, it’s not easy accepting inferiority when you have such a big ego. Obviously we had to overlook the fact that you have no such issues since you’re the humbler, gentler one as well. We, therefore, labelled this quality of yours as meek/weak and asked you to surrender. So we now hovered upon you like some colossal figure to protect you against the same specimen of our species, be it as a father, a brother, a husband or a boyfriend trying to act like an Action Hero in front of you. Also, the reservations we have had for you in various sectors like education, politics, transport, workplaces etc. are nothing but a testament to our superiority. We have subsequently taken the lead in every profession we could, and labelled those in which we could not as secondary or worthless. We have now successfully set up a few regulations (mostly wishes) which you are expected to abide by especially during your marital days:

1.      Even though we might look like the uglier versions of Tamraj Kilvish (the antagonist of the popular Doordarshan serial Shaktiman) ourselves, but for our life partners, we want the combination of an Aishwarya Rai and a Kaamwali Baai (Domestic help).

2.      If we don’t get #1 (most of us don’t), we will treat you as an educated maid who either should quit her job, or balance it with the household and of course our families. All of this coupled with occasional sessions of maar-pitai* (commonly known as domestic violence).

3.      YOU WILL NOT EARN MORE THAN US. If you do so, that money is automatically ours. You see, satisfaction of the male ego is of utmost importance.

4.      Of course, we will conveniently forget about the ego part while taking dowry. You may want to argue that it’s the same, but these are our rules, and we Rule*!!!

5.      This goes without saying, but you know who’ll be blamed in case of any abuse or assault initiated by us.

The list is endless, so I hope you do realise that you’ll never be able to reverse the situation. It is an unspoken, unwritten law amongst us (another quality of ours; throughout the world, the masculine brain functions the same way), that no woman shall ever come to know that she was supposed to be the special one. Over the centuries, some of you have frequently tried to oppose us by raising your voices, but you all know how brutally they have been crushed. The levels of successes we have achieved are only due to the unity and the sheer number of our gender which you can never hope to have because we have turned your own kind against you. Your only hope of even a slight chance of reversal is that if you start NOW, unite all the women of the world to be together against us, then given your ability to work faster than us, you will probably take a mere 1500 years. But since you are more virtuous than us as well, you would prefer peace in your families and surroundings. Therefore, the Adams can sit back and be rest assured about their dominance through their many subsequent afterlives as well.

                                                       Ah!!! The bliss!!!

*I know that my writing is getting more unprofessional and juvenile by each passing day, but what the heck, I’m a man!!!

Victory's Defeat

May 2050. Banwari Lal was a happy man. He was finally satisfied with the way things were going. The India he wanted to see had materialised to his liking, to everybody’s liking. Agreed, it had taken him a better part of 30 years, but the time was worth it. After all it’s not every day that you see a country being purged clean of corruption, malice or guilt. The India he had envisioned for so long had finally shaped up to his desire. For his untiring efforts he was also awarded every top prize in the world, be it the Nobel Peace Prize, the Bharat Ratna or the countless honorary doctorates from every other country. People had started calling him the Greater Gandhi and he had deserved every ounce of that appreciation. But then, he hadn't done all this for the accolades. The reward of self-satisfaction and watching his dream come true in front of his own eyes could not match any other applause. The perspiration on the forehead had finally stopped. Banwari literally heaved a sigh of relief.

Initially though, there had been a lot of hiccups. It really had been a tough ride for him. When he started his campaign against corruption, people had chastised him for almost everything, even his nerve for trying to battle it out against the big-names. Yes, he did agree that some of his decisions were hasty, drastic, even banking on the lines of being preposterous. But in the end, after so many battles, he had won the war. The results of which was much more rewarding than he had expected. After the introduction of the People’s Anti-Corruption Bill, all the black money had been brought back; crime rate had fallen to an absolute zero; each and every citizen of the country had become much more responsible towards his/her duties and a non-corrupt, value upholding person; Peace and Harmony had spread across the country and people had stopped even trivial wrongdoings such as lying to each other; Bribery, Murders, Rapes and all other malpractices were now a part of popular folklore; People had also become environmentally responsible and every citizen was doing its bit towards eradication of global warming and poverty in general. They hadn't really become angels, but they were no less. They had realised that the deceits, cheating, fraudulences, or crimes weren't worth it. India had become a model nation for the world, and the others were catching up fast. Within 3 months every nation of the world followed suite and gave up its nuclear weaponry and extended hands of friendship to even its staunchest arch-enemies. The governments were no longer needed to control the population any longer. It just paid the employees and never really needed to intervene in any of the public’s daily affairs. People also gave up other societal vices such as alcohol, smoking and even non-vegetarian food. Not even the great Lord Ram could've imagined such a world in which the humanity was in a better condition than at the time of the first humans themselves.

And then, within a year, in a jiffy, it all came crashing down. The first casualty was the judiciary. No crimes, no grudges, and tranquility all around meant that there was no lack of law and order. The lawyers and the judges were now out of jobs. They missed the violence all around, and to be fair to them, they hadn't really seen anything else throughout their lives. The police were also not needed as even the smallest of vices of the common man had deserted the society. As if the dissolution of one-third of the government in a matter of days wasn't enough, the next victim of the ‘humane population’ was the defence. The armies, the air-forces, the navies, were all disbanded. Since the countries did not even show the slightest hint of hatred towards each other, the war for political supremacy had ceased, and the protection was no longer needed. The great public awareness also meant Social Workers and Activists had absolutely nothing to fight for. The media had become an epitome of virtue. Most of the reporters lost their jobs because of lack of news items. The disease incidence and accidents also went down to almost nil, as people had started taking really good care of themselves and others as well. Natural deaths had become the order of the day and illnesses a rarity. 90% of the healthcare business had crashed and the doctors had nothing to practice upon except for really rare emergencies. The inactivity of public services and the desire of the people for a simple living also meant that industries, economies, soliciting, environmentalism, marketing, banking had all become things of the past. Ecology now became extremely unbalanced as the number of animals had grown to be unnecessarily large when compared to the number of resources available. Scientists had stopped discovering anything; Astronomy, Geology and Genetics were now regarded as a waste of time, as people weren't really interested in any materialistic entities at all. They had learnt to accept death and illnesses as a will of God and started leading a life of penance. The NGOs, the philosophers, the Statisticians, the Engineers and the Sociologists were rendered useless. Temple donations stopped, Architecture was dissolved and even Academics were seen as a road to a vicious lifestyle. The margin between the rich and the poor decreased drastically. Virtually no one worked for anyone else and most businesses were shut down as production had come to a standstill.

As a result, now more than 75% of the world was out of jobs, people now started struggling even for basic survival. It soon became apparent to them that the road they had taken would lead to nothing but a painful end. They became concerned. And concern is indeed the biggest enemy of mankind. The people thought about their future, their children’s future, and started making decisions by themselves. They needed food for survival and money for food. The hunger provoked anger which in turn promoted longing for the life which they had had before. Slowly and steadily they started stealing from others, wrenching every possible mongrel of any edible item they could from one another. Chaos and confusion were at their prime now. Petty fights ensued and the animals were hunted at random at will. And now, since there was no check left on the law and order, people started robbing, killing, cheating, forging, extorting etc. for virtually anything and everything. The world was a much worse place than before. Meanwhile, a rugged looking man barged into the gates of Banwari Lal’s house. Scared by the commotion outside, Banwari put his family into hiding and went out to check upon the trespasser. He was aghast to see the ex-MLA who had presented him with an honour a few months back. The man bellowed, “Khana de bhookha hoon” (Give me food, I’m hungry). Banwari himself didn’t have any left and had to refuse. The man in a fit of rage took out his dagger and plunged it deep into Banwari’s heart.........

 ...........Banwari woke up with a start (You already saw that coming didn’t you?). There was no blood, but still a lingering pain in his chest. To say that he was horrified by what he had just dreamt about would be a massive understatement. His daughter who lay awake beside him inquired about his reaction. He recounted every detail of the dream to her. After all, she was a big girl and deserved to know the gory details of the real and the dream world. His daughter was flummoxed on hearing all this. Scared that she already knew the answer, she asked him the inevitable question, “Dad, is this the end result of the dream you have for our country?”

To her surprise Banwari smiled, and nodded his head.

“Then what is the point of your fight against the system?” she asked desperately. He sighed and then smiled again, for the answer was simple, and he had always known it.

He replied, “My dear, Nothing can be perfect, Nothing should be perfect. The Good cannot survive without the Evil, and vice-versa. Both the groups have to keep on fighting for their respective sides, while knowing that there will always be a stalemate. The rule of nature says that ‘Neither shall win while the other loses, and it shall go on till the end of time.’ ”

“So will both of you keep going on even though there is no end?” she asked.

“Yes we shall. Both of us know that victory will embrace neither, but we shall die trying” replied Banwari Lal, and quietly put his daughter back to sleep.

            Namaste!!! Jai Hind!!!