DISCLAIMER: All the news items published
here are thoroughly researched and are real in nature. Just like those in
reputed media such as the TOI and INDIA TV.
1. KISS OF LOVE CAMPAIGN GETS A TIMELY
BOOST
The Kiss of
Love campaign got a new boost in Delhi today where a particular majority
community volunteered to participate in the movement at JNU – The Single Desperate Guys of Dilli. These
totally vella hostellers with
nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon even though semester exams are near
harbingers of justice fuelled with their young blood reached the venue in a
rejuvenated hope of finally getting a chance to score with girls (Category: any girl; A Veteran
DU student (read: single for the past 25 years) was found quoting “seriously
bhai, kuch bhi chalega ab to”) so that
they could finally brag about an opposite gender story to their friends which
was not made up. But the poor chaps were thoroughly disappointed on seeing species
of only their kind in abundant numbers. The scene was almost like a live
equivalent of Omegle (if you do not know what Omegle is, you still have a lot
to achieve in life before you can even think about climbing the Everest of
desperation). The word Irony was further
redefined when rumours spread that a girl was molested even at a rally like
this. But they were quickly quashed when people realised that it was just
another South Delhi couple having a fight resulting in their 16th
breakup.
2. BILAWAL BHUTTO UNLEASHES NEW SLOGAN:
PEOPLE TOO BUSY TO BE PISSED
Pakistan’s
favourite controversy child (promoted to #1 when they were made to disown
Malala after her Nobel heroics) Bilawal bhaijaan was clearly upset after not having
trended on twitter for a full month. Therefore, he unleashed a new statement in
front of a huge crowd in Islamabad which
swelled upto 35 (which included 24 party members, 8 loiterers and 3 stray dogs)
when he uttered his supposedly new charismatic Walter Whitish lines, “I am not
in Danger India, I am the Danger”. But alas, this time, even the Pakistanis
refrained from giving him the usual laughter laden mocking applause as they
were busy concentrating on other serious issues which plagued the country; like whether or not to ban Haider's DVDs.
3. EBOLA GETS A NEW MEANING; LITERALLY
The activity of people randomly talking
about ebola without knowing what it actually is got a whole new meaning today
when two people from a village in 'Uttar Pradesh' were spotted having the following
conversation: (Because admit it, stereotyping people is way more fun than doing
plain boring tasks such as trying to be realistic, secular and politically
correct *yawn*).
UP ka Bhaiya 1: “Abe Sisupal, ebola kaa-hay bey??”
UP ka Bhaiya 2: “Ama ab hum kaa bataen ki e kaahe bola”
UP ka Bhaiya 1: “Ama yaar par e bola ki oo bola ki ebola kachhu beemari
laagat hai”
UP ka Bhaiya 2: “Ama kaa ebola ubola kar rae ho salmanva ka nava
pikchar aaya hai baalkanni ka do tikat hai humre pass chalte hain dono bhai...”
(If you think that I have lost it by now, you have my sympathies; if not,
give a high-five fellow UP ka/ki bhaiya)
4. WHATSAPP’S BLUE TICKS UPDATE STUNS AND EXCITES MILLIONS OF EXES, STALKERS GET A NEW RAY OF HOPE
In a recent
development which delighted the Syndicate of United Alliances of Real Stalkers (commonly known as S.U.A.R.S.), WhatsApp in its 234669th
update has introduced blueing of delivered texts when they have been read by
the recipient. This has sent many Exes in a frenzy as now, the reasons for not
replying to your past lover/fling have diminished. Though blocking the contact
might still be the best option for stalked victims, it is still not convenient
for shocked youngsters who till now used “Daddy Mai so raha tha” as an excuse for not
replying to messages when they were actually busy at a late night daaru party and hence
did not pick up their phones.
5. SRI LANKA VISITS INDIA FOR AN ODI
SERIES. AGAIINNNNN!!!
The Board of
Control for Cricket in India (secretly known as the ICC) has recently called Sri-Lanka for another bi-lateral one-day series
which sent die hard cricket fans into such boredom that by the time they could get to their television sets, the 3rd match was already over and India had won the
series.
Our correspondent caught Angelo Matthews talking to Dwayne Bravo:-
Angelo: “Idiot, who asked you to win a match over there and then leave? You lost
your payments, and your board is on the verge of bankruptcy. Learn from us. How
will you earn now?”
Bravo: “CSK bro. Whistle Podu.”
A disconsolate Matthews was then
taken to the trauma centre and was reminded that two more matches were left
to which he reportedly started singing “Gareebon ki suno, wo tumhari sunega”
addressing the BCCI authorities, but our correspondent was on a loo-break so
could not hear the rest of the lyrics. We apologise for the inconvenience
caused. We’ll fire him soon. Thank You.
