An Open Letter to all Open Letter writers

Dear Open Letter Writers,

I had several nominees in mind to lash out at before writing this. Because let’s face it, I am also a publicity hungry, desperate, attention-seeking monger, just like you guys, so obviously the first step to fame (lol!) would be to criticise some particular people or a group or the society in general. Anyway, I was specifically perturbed with a few things on the internet, especially concerning the social media. Ok, I know that  my opinion doesn't count, but I’m a global citizen having a voice of my own, so you do not have the right to judge me (insert random buffoonery about me having a unique identity, or an individual trying to bring small changes to the society, l@#$@ lehsun(official hindi word for blah blah blah*). Also, conveniently forget that I am judging others too).

Moving on, the very obvious contenders were as follows:

1. Selfies: I hate them. Period. And no, I am not one of those uncle type gyaan-givers who think that it is cool to be different than the crowd. Firstly, I’m not against the concept. After all, what’s the harm in clicking one’s own photograph? They’re just another version of the father clicking a family photograph with his reel-wala camera with a 10 second auto-timer so he could come back to be in the photograph just in time. My problem lies with the name. Why on earth do simple things have to be named so cheezily despite so many places facing dairy shortage? It proves that people will lap up anything. Just anything at all. My hatred towards it lies right up there with ‘mah lyf mah rulzzz’, ‘kewl’, ‘OMG’, ‘okayzz’, ‘k’, ‘\m/’, ‘darn it bro, WTF’ and my personal favourite, ‘i wOk iN d rAin sO daT i cN hYd mAh tEarZzzz’.

But the rage and the buzz this word has generated is so overwhelmingly strong that I now feel like an idiot for pointing it out. The fact that so many people are addicted to it makes me realise now that indeed there’s some wiring issue with my cerebrum. In fact, the level of embarrassment was too much to cope up with when a few days ago my mother asked me to send her a selfie so that she could make a family collage for a certain ‘family group’ on Whatsapp and while I was awkwardly trying to take one, my dad hit on my head and said, “Gadhe!!! Front Camera se li jaati hai!! Phone ulta karo. Achcha haan tumhare wale me to hai hi nahi. Mere wale se kar lo”.

/*My reactions included shock and bewilderment, followed by an instant urge to drown in KRK Ji’s jaundice-laden urine*/

2. 10 books I like the most/ 10 movies I've watched/ 10 Fav Football players/ 10 fav Chinese Diwali light companies / 10 fav Honey Singh tracks.........

This spread faster than HIV because people are too free. More free than those who want you to forward ‘Om Namah Shivay’ to 108 of your contacts for good fortune. Life is too long. Why to utilise every minute and do something productive? Why not initiate riots or write unnecessary blogs like these?

Anyhow, given the craze, I will mention the top 3 of the only worthwhile list I came across.

My 10 favourite dialogues from the movie Xpose:

•       Tumhare Shareer me itna khoon nahi hoga jitna Ravi Kumar ek baar me moot deta hai.
•       Ravi Kumar langot ka bohot pakka hai. Wo bistar me neend ke alawa aur kuch nahi leta.
•       Raja ka beta bhale hi nanga paida ho, par rehta wo Rajkumar hi hai.

I know that at this point you want to see me hanged, but the peaks of irritation that this activity had single-handedly imparted on a few souls was unforgivable. But, I let this pass as well.

3. 15 reasons to like your city/ 20 reasons that you are single/ 25 reasons to wash your child’s nappies/ 30 reasons to watch the next season of Big Boss....And it goes onnnnnnnnnn.....

This was fun when it started initially. Good writers gave effective reasons for some genuine events which filled the air with adequate nostalgia. And then it became a norm for just anyone or everyone to post unapologetically repetitive, cumbersome and irritating stuff. The basic problem with these posts is their nature of repetition. They are tirelessly obvious and repeatedly stretched. One can easily get irritated on reading these as it looks as if though the repeat mode is on. The repeatability is downright outrageous and insensitively unrepeatable. JUST LIKE THIS.

4. Online Petitions: Well they’ve at least become endangered, just like Winamp and Parle Poppins. But these were the stupidest of the lot. And it fooled many a people into believing that clicking on a share button on a petition or voting will actually enable regulations to be passed and their voices will be heard.

All of these were competent enough and were giving each other a tough fight. But in the end, there were comfortably edged out by none other than –

5. Open Letters: Which brings me to you guys (since I’m also writing one, it brings me to myself too). The nail in the coffin was a letter title I saw a couple of days back. I kid you not, it goes like this – An Open Letter to the Open Letter to Shehnaz Treasurywala’s Open Letter to eminent personalities.

The hour is not far when some concerned ‘nationalist’ or ‘socially aware citizen’ will write an open letter to the Talibanis ‘condemning’ their moves and ‘explaining’ to them how they have violated humanity. Because it’s perfectly acceptable to expect the terrorists to reply to such humane pleas, such as, ‘We’re so sorry; we did not know that doing such acts in the name of religion is wrong. We will not do it again, Mother Promise. Please don’t tell our parents’.

I’m not being insensitive or anything. But the fact that when concerned journalism becomes a PR strategy or applause expectancy is involved, the severity and the gravity of the issue get diminished.

I just have one request. Kindly do not abuse and misuse the social media just because it has been abused and misused before. Just like your Android touch screen when you play Fruit Ninja. Or Women.

Meanwhile, let me take a selfie with this open letter and file an online petition against some community which gives 20 reasons for brushing my teeth in the morning along with preparing a list of 10 people I’d like to kill within the next 2 hours.

Regards,

A ‘Behadd Khaali’ Person

*Kindly do NOT ask what l@#$@ stands for. Especially Parents, Relatives and other elders. I know that you know. Perhaps this is the right time to get back at you with your favourite dialogue, “Beta! Humne bhi school aur college me padhai ki hai”. Also, I’m too shy to say these things publicly. Awwww... xoxo.

Not Faking News!!!!

DISCLAIMER: All the news items published here are thoroughly researched and are real in nature. Just like those in reputed media such as the TOI and INDIA TV.

1.       KISS OF LOVE CAMPAIGN GETS A TIMELY BOOST

The Kiss of Love campaign got a new boost in Delhi today where a particular majority community volunteered to participate in the movement at JNU – The Single Desperate Guys of Dilli. These totally vella hostellers with nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon even though semester exams are near harbingers of justice fuelled with their young blood reached the venue in a rejuvenated hope of finally getting a chance to score with girls (Category: any girl;  A Veteran DU student (read: single for the past 25 years) was found quoting “seriously bhai, kuch bhi chalega ab to”) so that they could finally brag about an opposite gender story to their friends which was not made up. But the poor chaps were thoroughly disappointed on seeing species of only their kind in abundant numbers. The scene was almost like a live equivalent of Omegle (if you do not know what Omegle is, you still have a lot to achieve in life before you can even think about climbing the Everest of desperation).  The word Irony was further redefined when rumours spread that a girl was molested even at a rally like this. But they were quickly quashed when people realised that it was just another South Delhi couple having a fight resulting in their 16^th breakup.

2.       BILAWAL BHUTTO UNLEASHES NEW SLOGAN: PEOPLE TOO BUSY TO BE PISSED

Pakistan’s favourite controversy child (promoted to #1 when they were made to disown Malala after her Nobel heroics) Bilawal bhaijaan was clearly upset after not having trended on twitter for a full month. Therefore, he unleashed a new statement in front of a huge crowd  in Islamabad which swelled upto 35 (which included 24 party members, 8 loiterers and 3 stray dogs) when he uttered his supposedly new charismatic Walter Whitish lines, “I am not in Danger India, I am the Danger”. But alas, this time, even the Pakistanis refrained from giving him the usual laughter laden mocking applause as they were busy concentrating on other serious issues which plagued the country; like whether or not to ban Haider's DVDs.

3.       EBOLA GETS A NEW MEANING; LITERALLY

The activity of people randomly talking about ebola without knowing what it actually is got a whole new meaning today when two people from a village in 'Uttar Pradesh' were spotted having the following conversation: (Because admit it, stereotyping people is way more fun than doing plain boring tasks such as trying to be realistic, secular and politically correct *yawn*).

UP ka Bhaiya 1: “Abe Sisupal, ebola kaa-hay bey??”

UP ka Bhaiya 2: “Ama ab hum kaa bataen ki e kaahe bola”

UP ka Bhaiya 1: “Ama yaar par e bola ki oo bola ki ebola kachhu beemari laagat hai”

UP ka Bhaiya 2: “Ama kaa ebola ubola kar rae ho salmanva ka nava pikchar aaya hai baalkanni ka do tikat hai humre pass chalte hain dono bhai...”

(If you think that I have lost it by now, you have my sympathies; if not, give a high-five fellow UP ka/ki bhaiya)

4.       WHATSAPP’S BLUE TICKS UPDATE STUNS AND EXCITES MILLIONS OF EXES, STALKERS GET A NEW RAY OF HOPE

In a recent development which delighted the Syndicate of United Alliances of Real Stalkers (commonly known as S.U.A.R.S.), WhatsApp in its 234669^th update has introduced blueing of delivered texts when they have been read by the recipient. This has sent many Exes in a frenzy as now, the reasons for not replying to your past lover/fling have diminished. Though blocking the contact might still be the best option for stalked victims, it is still not convenient for shocked youngsters who till now used “Daddy Mai so raha tha” as an excuse for not replying to messages when they were actually busy at a late night daaru party and hence did not pick up their phones.

5.       SRI LANKA VISITS INDIA FOR AN ODI SERIES. AGAIINNNNN!!!

The Board of Control for Cricket in India (secretly known as the ICC) has recently called Sri-Lanka for another bi-lateral one-day series which sent die hard cricket fans into such boredom that by the time they could get to their television sets, the 3^rd match was already over and India had won the series. 

Our correspondent caught Angelo Matthews talking to Dwayne Bravo:-

Angelo: “Idiot, who asked you to win a match over there and then leave? You lost your payments, and your board is on the verge of bankruptcy. Learn from us. How will you earn now?”

Bravo: “CSK bro. Whistle Podu.”

A disconsolate Matthews was then taken to the trauma centre and was reminded that two more matches were left to which he reportedly started singing  “Gareebon ki suno, wo tumhari sunega” addressing the BCCI authorities, but our correspondent was on a loo-break so could not hear the rest of the lyrics. We apologise for the inconvenience caused. We’ll fire him soon. Thank You.

Mai Modi Badnaam......

I am not a big Mr. Narendra Modi fan. Nor am I a hater. But in India, I’m not allowed to do so. Here, neutrality either means lack of ‘round objects connected to a  necessary reproductive organ’ which half the population literally doesn’t have (an expression which even feminists use, without realising that it is against their basic cry), or subtler terms like diplomacy, running away from the topic and not taking a stand just to ‘save oneself from the debate’. The truth, however remains that I have mostly viewed Modiji as a normal person who has been unnecessarily hyped on either side.

It was one of the reasons I did not care to listen to his twin speeches at the UN General Assembly and at the Madison Square Garden. I have often regarded him as the dramatic and happier version of Nirupa Roy and Ravi Shastri in terms of melodrama and repetitive exaggeration respectively. But the event which caught my eyes was the protests that were held and shown by the ‘alternative’ media, which also blamed the mainstream media for ignoring the ‘Anti-Godhra’ protesters just to keep the PM in a good light. Let me explain the situation in the way I best can.

Movie: Don        Year: 1978          

The character Jasjit (played by Pran) is sitting in jail narrating his tumultuous life- experiences to Kaka (played by probably a real-life Kaka).

Kaka: “Laikinn (sic) Jasjit, Ye hua Kaise?”

Jasjit: “Insaan apni burai chhod sakta hai Kaka, lekin insaan ki badnaami humesha uske saath rehti hai. Maine apni pichhli zindagi se rishta tod liya tha, lekin duniya mujhe maaf na kar saki.”

Now, before you digress by starting to mimic Pranji’s voice by repeatedly shaking your head on the above dialogue, let me come to the point straightaway. Here, in the movie, Jasjit used to be small-time thief. And yet the world couldn’t forgive him for this. The person in consideration here has been accused of genocide. Why would anyone, especially the ones who suffered, even think of anything on the lines of forgiveness? It is a completely different matter that he has been absolved of all the cases lodged against him. The people who further accuse politicians of having the judiciary in their pockets need to look no further than at Jayalalitha. Ironically, it seems that the whole ‘kayanat’ is conspiring to help Modi become the Messiah, which the half of India already views him as.

I, therefore, halfheartedly made it a point to at least listen to his UNGA speech, thinking that maybe it’d make me think better of the man. And this time, I was impressed indeed. Agreed, that his amount of usage of the words ‘sthirta’ and ‘samriddhi’ was equivalent to the amount of abuses given by a typical Indian male aged 16-35 on a 'minutely' basis, but this time, it was different.

No ‘Bhaiyon aur Beheno’ here. It was the official meeting of delegations from different parts of the world on a global platform. The sentences were short, neat and terse. There was no beating around the bush, no sugar-coated accusations. Terrorism was duly criticised; as was the inability of the super powers to deal with it; Suitable messages were sent to Pakistan with appropriate amount of humour*; peace proposals were extended throughout the world; and he spoke and portrayed as if India was a benefactor and not a beneficiary anymore, walking toe to toe with other super powers. He spoke as a global citizen wanting to contribute, not someone begging the UN to help their country/community. When the alleged merciless butcher is extending a baton of peace to the entire world, you know that something is not right. You could even feel the man desperately trying to cleanse his image despite not being entirely at fault. I had a smile on my face throughout.

No matter what the inner realities are, I felt proud, the feeling one gets when someone praises one's family despite it having problems. I could myself feel that my country’s a world leader; the few minutes of feeling like a superpower which it was supposed to be by the end of 2020 were indeed awesome.

To the victims of the Godhra incident, and the people involved directly, who can never forgive this man for the massacre, I say, DON’T. Neither I, nor can anyone else step in your shoes and feel the pain in the same way you do. You have the full right to do so, and perhaps you are the necessary critics required at this and every further stage. To the people who have complained about the media bias, do you seriously think that displaying the photos of the protesters would’ve made even an iota of difference to the blind supporters? To the supporters, I say, ‘CONTINUE’. To the rest, which include people like me as well, I just have one thing to say, "We’ve elected Sleeping Beauties, Mute Buttons, and Corruption Kings as leaders of our nation. I think we can give a chance to the person who’s at least trying hard. The worst that can come out of this is nevertheless not new to us. We've already had 67 years of net practice for that."

Time for a Namaste! Jai Hind! I guess.

*I know it wasn’t intentional but I actually laughed at the clever usage of words when he said ‘UN jaisa itna achcha platform hone ke bawajood hum G badalte rehte hain’ while referring to the history of the G-20 summits.

P.S. A very Happy Birthday to you Bapu. We as a country did not deserve you. But then, neither did the other nations. So I guess it’s ok. Thanks, anyway.

Kashmir Ki Khali

Khalna

/ (ख़लना) /

Verb

Meaning: Getting irritated

                         

             The Following is the timeline of a standard Natural disaster in any part of India over the past so many years.

A major Natural calamity à Floods/Landslides/Earthquakes in the whole area à People  caught in the waters/Land à Livestock dead; increase in the no. of human casualties à Failure of local administration despite Multiple warnings à Army relief sent à Safety of the tourists ensured first à Appeal for philanthropy from the population à Few Voluntary donations à NGOs’ assistance à Emotional Outbursts à Water receding/ Stoppage of the earthquake à People saved à Announcement of cash ‘prizes’ for the families of the deceased à Start of the rehabilitation program for another few months. à Things back to normal.

            Whereas the following is the timeline of the recent Kashmir floods over the past two weeks. (Note that this also involves participation from people of all religions/states/creeds working tirelessly from behind their computer screens to contribute just filth).

A major flood after 60 years à People  caught in the waters à Livestock dead; increase in the no. of human casualties à Failure of local administration despite Multiple warnings à Army relief sent à Glorification of the army by the media à Criticism of the army by the locals à Criticism of the Indian media by Fanatics on one side à Criticism of the Fanatics on one side by Fanatics on the other side à Glorification of Locals by other Locals à Criticism of the other Locals by some other Locals à Hate Messages from one side à Hate messages from the other side à Safety of the tourists ensured first à This spread by some as being a step to deliberately sabotage Kashmir à Rumours flowing even more than the waters of the flood à Blaming India à Blaming Pakistan à Blaming the Abdullahs à Blaming Modi à Blaming Gilani à Innumerable Political Statements à Appeal for philanthropy from the population à  Wave of Unity à Voluntary Donations from all over the world in both cash and kindà NGOs’ assistance à Water receding à Emotional Outbursts à People saved à  Announcement of cash ‘prizes’ for the families of the deceased à Start of the rehabilitation programme for another few months. à Things back to normal.

                 The Qur'an describes the Day of Judgement/Resurrection (Qayamat) as follows: 

'When the Deafening Blast comes, that Day a man will flee from his brother and his mother and his father, and his wife and his children: on that Day every man among them will have concerns enough of his own.' The Holy Qur'an, Chapter 80, Verses 33-37 

                     Pretty much spot on, I guess. This tragedy although was nowhere close, but the reaction of the people involved was. The flood was a severe one. One of the worst in Kashmir’s history. Not severity wise maybe, as we’ve had worse ones during the Tsunami or the Uttarkashi floods etc. But the damage caused by the unpreparedness of the authorities converted it into one of the most damaging disasters of the decade. This could’ve been and was being dealt like every other calamity. But then, the state of Jammu & Kashmir is a superstar. Like Shah Rukh Khan, or maybe Narendra Modi. Love it or Hate it, but you cannot ignore it. Each and every Indian/Pakistani has an opinion regardless of knowing any fact. The ones who continuously suffer are the common people who’ve had enough and are tired of this stardom which the higher authorities enjoy at their expense. Throughout these few days, I think I’ve seen it all. The level to which the people can stoop to spread hatred and negativity instead of lending helping hands is appalling. The journalism throughout this incident has seen so many shades of yellow that even Rakhi Sawant or KRK can be put to shame.

                    But, when all hope was destroyed; from the ashes, rose the phoenix in the form of the good Samaritans. The Kashmiris from all over the world, came together to save their motherland from the wrath of the floods and the fiends. From the clutches of extreme evil, forces of even greater good have emerged and spread calm all around. For every single person who has continuously exploited the hapless locals for monetary gains, there have been at least 2 heroes as well. The army? To a great extent, Yes. The locals? Definitely, as they were the ones who coordinated the relief work in different areas. But the real paragons of virtue were the countless people working behind the scenes to stop the madness from spreading. My classmate, who single-handedly organised the collection drive among 1000s of people even though his family was safe; the people in my hostel who had no contact with their families stuck in the worst affected areas for 5 days, but who were still able to provide neutral and pragmatic inputs devoid of hatred; the bunch of girls in my class who had no relation whatsoever with the incident, but still donated insane amounts in cash and kind; the organisations which volunteered and successfully transported the relief when the govt. failed; and the Indigo Airlines who allowed 1000s of kgs of cargo to be sent to Kashmir for free. – these were the real not-wanting-to-be-labelled heroes who were just concerned about Human Life; and not Human Type.

               The Water level is now under control and rehabilitation might start in two weeks. So, the last two steps in the timeline above will take some time. But believe me, the end result will be the same. The situation over there unfortunately, will neither progress nor regress. Lovers will love, haters will hate; all with the same intensity. The John/Jane Doe will have lost a lot, and will have to start all over again, but no one will care. Perhaps, the only thing we can do here is put all of this behind us, help people move on with their lives, and hope that Kashmir rises again, to be the heaven again, which it is always supposed to be.

P.S. - Meanwhile in another world, the DUSU (Delhi University Student Union) elections were held with pomp and fervour. As usual, a stunning victory was recorded by #Seriously_no_one_cares.

Women, You Can't Win!!!

My creative juices have somewhat stopped flowing after 3 articles. I have started losing interest in this just like I do so after anything. I easily become bored with any worthwhile work which stretches over a period of time – any considerable period of time. Well, you see, I am not a woman; and therefore, I am allowed to do so. I am not expected to perform the same mundane and inhumane tasks everyday without ever complaining or budging an inch. I have always waited for the day when your lot would succumb to your daily/lifely routine, put up your hands, and say 'Enough is Enough!' But Alas! I am disappointed every time.

Yes my ladies, this exactly is our (the men of course) problem. We are jealous of you irrespective and because of everything you're able to do. You may feel it’s the other way round but it is not. Our violence towards you stems from the dissatisfaction and anger we have towards the Creator. The basic human tendency is to desire something one does not have. Imagine all your materialistic cravings ever, all the things or beings you've ever wanted to have or be, rolled into a single ball of aspiration. That is the magnitude of our want. Yes, of course you are an OBJECT, which is worth preserving, for we are not even worth having or possessing. You are the kinder one, the tender one, the prettier one, the mature one, the multi-tasker, the balancer, the life-giver, the life-maker, the home-maker, the socialiser, the therapist, the healer, and the soul mate. We are worthless without you. The word beauty was invented because of you. The source of nature’s abstract beauty is derived from yours. A man may be handsome, cute, debonair, dashing or maybe even pretty. But have you heard of someone being a ‘beautiful’ man?  You’re everything we’ve ever wanted to be.

Then how come we have dominated you for so long? How come you have been the secondary sex for centuries? How come you have had to struggle so hard to get an equal status as us? Shouldn’t it all have been the other way round?

The answer perhaps lies in the single attribute God nonchalantly gave us so that we could protect and preserve his most valuable creation. THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH (Feminists: kindly accept this one silently because you know you cannot refute.  Boys: No, it’s not the lower body-part as well because they give us birth; and kindly do not even try to start the 'getting kicked in the crotch' debate, for it’s NOT the same, getting kicked continuously for an hour might come close though). Yes, the Upper Body Strength. And then He created Darwin, whose theory of ‘Survival of the fittest’, we took to heart. We knew that if we did not react quickly, we’d be conquered in no time. And it was then that we started shifting the balance of power in our favour. Believe me, this was no easy job. Year-by-year, Centuries after centuries of inflicting pain, humiliation, mind-numbing molestation, combined with systematic terror-inducing persuasion and brainwashing, finally enabled us to make you believe that we are the superior sex. The blatant misuse of one tiny fine-tuning of our metabolic system made us reverse the whole-process of mankind (kindly note that it’s never womankind) and transformed you into thinking that you depend on us. God can simply call on the M-Seal company to be His (Ha! He’s a He too!!) Brand ambassador just for their fitting tagline ‘Ek tapakti boond aapki zindagi badal sakti hai’ (A single droplet can change your life).

           

         It has been a careful, wonderful and a well-orchestrated plan though. Firstly, we outnumbered you by continuously killing you at birth itself (the sub-continent method; processes differ from region to region). After de-equalising the ratio, we created some convenient rules of the society. We accused you of many ill-deeds, sins of the past, for eg. calling your menstrual pains the results of the Eve's misdeeds (differs yet again, suit yourselves) and many other theories. Since we were in the majority, we had the liberty to take any fact and twist it into any ridiculous way and then impose it upon you without you ever questioning. Once it was established that you could do us no harm, we started reminding you about your multiple duties towards us. We kept piling more upon you, so much so that you were expected to do more work at once than Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris combined. To our surprise, you still thrived. Tell us to boil water and milk in two different pans at once and we would panic, but you could effortlessly cook multiple dishes, change the diaper of the baby, wash the clothes, talk to the neighbour across, greet the visitors with utmost dignity, uphold the honour of your adopted family while ignoring yours, all at once.

We were stumped on seeing this, and increased the jealousy quotient by a few notches. Something had to be done. After all, it’s not easy accepting inferiority when you have such a big ego. Obviously we had to overlook the fact that you have no such issues since you’re the humbler, gentler one as well. We, therefore, labelled this quality of yours as meek/weak and asked you to surrender. So we now hovered upon you like some colossal figure to protect you against the same specimen of our species, be it as a father, a brother, a husband or a boyfriend trying to act like an Action Hero in front of you. Also, the reservations we have had for you in various sectors like education, politics, transport, workplaces etc. are nothing but a testament to our superiority. We have subsequently taken the lead in every profession we could, and labelled those in which we could not as secondary or worthless. We have now successfully set up a few regulations (mostly wishes) which you are expected to abide by especially during your marital days:

1.      Even though we might look like the uglier versions of Tamraj Kilvish (the antagonist of the popular Doordarshan serial Shaktiman) ourselves, but for our life partners, we want the combination of an Aishwarya Rai and a Kaamwali Baai (Domestic help).

2.      If we don’t get #1 (most of us don’t), we will treat you as an educated maid who either should quit her job, or balance it with the household and of course our families. All of this coupled with occasional sessions of maar-pitai* (commonly known as domestic violence).

3.      YOU WILL NOT EARN MORE THAN US. If you do so, that money is automatically ours. You see, satisfaction of the male ego is of utmost importance.

4.      Of course, we will conveniently forget about the ego part while taking dowry. You may want to argue that it’s the same, but these are our rules, and we Rule*!!!

5.      This goes without saying, but you know who’ll be blamed in case of any abuse or assault initiated by us.

The list is endless, so I hope you do realise that you’ll never be able to reverse the situation. It is an unspoken, unwritten law amongst us (another quality of ours; throughout the world, the masculine brain functions the same way), that no woman shall ever come to know that she was supposed to be the special one. Over the centuries, some of you have frequently tried to oppose us by raising your voices, but you all know how brutally they have been crushed. The levels of successes we have achieved are only due to the unity and the sheer number of our gender which you can never hope to have because we have turned your own kind against you. Your only hope of even a slight chance of reversal is that if you start NOW, unite all the women of the world to be together against us, then given your ability to work faster than us, you will probably take a mere 1500 years. But since you are more virtuous than us as well, you would prefer peace in your families and surroundings. Therefore, the Adams can sit back and be rest assured about their dominance through their many subsequent afterlives as well.

                                                       Ah!!! The bliss!!!

*I know that my writing is getting more unprofessional and juvenile by each passing day, but what the heck, I’m a man!!!

The UPSC Masterstroke

There’s a reason that this blog’s name is so. What other name would you give to a person who suddenly decides to give the country’s most difficult exam just because the authorities increased the no. of attempts to six, knowing fully well that the full day wasted could've easily been utilised by sleeping, eating, watching the next tv series on the list, or even, brace yourselves, by studying something worthwhile? 

I am talking about the UPSC (Union Public Servie Commission)’s Civil Services examination (popularly known as IAS ka paper), which was held all over India on Sunday, 24^th August.

I was one of those people who had actually no idea what the paper was about, and with no remote intentions of being a civil servant ever (kyunki aukat hi nahi hai*), but had turned up just to gain some ‘experience’. I had heard a lot about the CSAT (questions on quantitative aptitude, reasoning, comprehension etc.) fiasco and how the portion of English comprehension had been made optional due to the protests. Also since I have given CAT and other MBA entrances and have scored decent percentiles, I hoped that I could at least do that portion well. Here’s the analysis of the paper:-

PAPER 1:

This was the General Studies Paper-I and had questions from every subject ever taught in school. As I hadn't even opened any book for this, I was expecting to be blown away by the questions and had hoped that I would at least recognise one or two questions. But the paper was the work of a genius. One look at the questions, and you would have several cringe-inducing moments like, “Abe yaar ye to bachpan me padha tha/ Abe yaar ye waala to aana chahiye tha mujhe/ Abe yaar ye to news me suna tha kuch din pehle/ Abe yaar kaash atlas aur world map dekh liya hota ek baar etc.*”. And yet the answers would not strike.

Another reason was that most of them were questions with multiple answers disguised as Single choice questions. Therefore, even if you knew one answer, you’d still struggle to get the whole question right. Crime-Master Gogo from Andaz Apna Apna would’ve happily commented, “Hath ko aaya, aur mu na laga*”. I also realised that UPSC is like a brilliant PR manager; luring the candidates into believing that with adequate amount of preparation, the papers are easily solvable. This then starts the year after year slog and thorough preparation, the result of which for most comes out to be a jar full of nothingness.

PAPER 2:

This was the main reason for me to fill the form this year. I was told that the General Studies Paper – II or the CSAT (Civil Services Aptitude Test) is of a level easier than other MBA entrance examinations. So I was fairly confident of scoring decently in this section. But what followed was an absolute disaster. The overall paper was so easy that it would've made no difference whether an average student prepared or not. In fact, the level of the questions was much lower than the supposedly lower level examinations such as PCS, SSC or the Bank PO examinations. Ok, now before labelling me as an obnoxious snob, who’s trying to show off his mathematical and reasoning skills, sample this word by word question from the paper.

Q 51. Consider that:

1.       A is taller than B

2.       C is taller than A

3.       D is taller than C

4.       E is the tallest of all.

If they are made to sit in the above order of their height, who will occupy the mid position?

(a)    A                     (b) B                      (c) C                       (d) D

The level of difficulty of this reasoning question is equivalent to the following questions from various subjects: -

BIOLOGY:

Where is the Cerebrum located?

(a)    Heart                     (b) Lungs             (c) Kidney            (d) Brain

CHEMISTRY:

The atomic number of Hydrogen is:-

(a)    0                              (b) 1                       (c) 2                       (d) 2.5

MATHEMATICS:

If 5 pencils are sold for Rs. 3 each, and 3 pens are sold for Rs. 5 each, what is the total amount received? (A similar question was asked in the paper as well)

(a)    Rs. 30                    (b) Rs. 50             (c) Rs. 70              (d) Rs. 90

GEOGRAPHY:

What is the capital of USA?

(a)    New York            (b) Washington DC          (c) Jerusalem (unintentional)     (d) Islamabad

HISTORY/CIVICS:

 Who was the first Mughal emperor? / Who was the first president of India?

(Should I even bother with the options?)

COMMERCE:

The basic accounting rule says, _________ what comes in,  _________ what goes out**.

(a)    Debit/Credit       (b) Credit/Debit         (c) Import/Export            (d) Raghu/Rajiv

Now, unless you’re the guy who once said on an All India Radio quiz that the Taj Mahal is situated in Ajmer (true story, but more on that later), you can pretty much answer these questions on your own. Even if you don’t know some of them, you can be confident about these if you prepare for even a month. If still not, you should realise that this examination is not suitable for you, instead of demanding scrapping off the section itself. Some people would argue that not all questions were like this and some Comprehensions were tough as well. But this is where the UPSC plays its masterstroke. It keeps the individual CSAT cutoff to 30-40 (Again, no research of mine, this comes straight from the mouth of those people who gave their 3^rd/4^th attempt, so don’t reprimand me if it's a bit wayward). Each question is of 2.5 marks so even if one can attempt 16 questions of this level correctly (there were at least 30), one can score 40 marks and clear this section. As far as the general studies section is concerned, the cutoff still ranges between 70 and 80. So the Paper II becomes redundant as far as clearing the preliminary round is concerned, as it is just a formality which enables you to get to the overall cutoff; which means that the things remain pretty much the same as they were earlier. That do your General Studies portion well. There's no respite/hindrance. Also, as far as the English comprehension cancellation was concerned, only 6 questions were removed.

                Well played UPSC. Well played indeed.

PS: Done with the Namaste/Jai Hind crap. I used to get irritated during re-reads; I can very well imagine the plight of the readers.

*My international and regional readers, kindly go to your nearest translators. I’m still recovering from the shock of the paper.

**I always used to think that (b) was the correct answer until a friend of mine told me that there’s a difference between a bank’s book, and a customer’s book. I immediately thanked my stars for not taking commerce and was given a further proof of my inability to clear this horrifying paper.

Victory's Defeat

May 2050. Banwari Lal was a happy man. He was finally satisfied with the way things were going. The India he wanted to see had materialised to his liking, to everybody’s liking. Agreed, it had taken him a better part of 30 years, but the time was worth it. After all it’s not every day that you see a country being purged clean of corruption, malice or guilt. The India he had envisioned for so long had finally shaped up to his desire. For his untiring efforts he was also awarded every top prize in the world, be it the Nobel Peace Prize, the Bharat Ratna or the countless honorary doctorates from every other country. People had started calling him the Greater Gandhi and he had deserved every ounce of that appreciation. But then, he hadn't done all this for the accolades. The reward of self-satisfaction and watching his dream come true in front of his own eyes could not match any other applause. The perspiration on the forehead had finally stopped. Banwari literally heaved a sigh of relief.

Initially though, there had been a lot of hiccups. It really had been a tough ride for him. When he started his campaign against corruption, people had chastised him for almost everything, even his nerve for trying to battle it out against the big-names. Yes, he did agree that some of his decisions were hasty, drastic, even banking on the lines of being preposterous. But in the end, after so many battles, he had won the war. The results of which was much more rewarding than he had expected. After the introduction of the People’s Anti-Corruption Bill, all the black money had been brought back; crime rate had fallen to an absolute zero; each and every citizen of the country had become much more responsible towards his/her duties and a non-corrupt, value upholding person; Peace and Harmony had spread across the country and people had stopped even trivial wrongdoings such as lying to each other; Bribery, Murders, Rapes and all other malpractices were now a part of popular folklore; People had also become environmentally responsible and every citizen was doing its bit towards eradication of global warming and poverty in general. They hadn't really become angels, but they were no less. They had realised that the deceits, cheating, fraudulences, or crimes weren't worth it. India had become a model nation for the world, and the others were catching up fast. Within 3 months every nation of the world followed suite and gave up its nuclear weaponry and extended hands of friendship to even its staunchest arch-enemies. The governments were no longer needed to control the population any longer. It just paid the employees and never really needed to intervene in any of the public’s daily affairs. People also gave up other societal vices such as alcohol, smoking and even non-vegetarian food. Not even the great Lord Ram could've imagined such a world in which the humanity was in a better condition than at the time of the first humans themselves.

And then, within a year, in a jiffy, it all came crashing down. The first casualty was the judiciary. No crimes, no grudges, and tranquility all around meant that there was no lack of law and order. The lawyers and the judges were now out of jobs. They missed the violence all around, and to be fair to them, they hadn't really seen anything else throughout their lives. The police were also not needed as even the smallest of vices of the common man had deserted the society. As if the dissolution of one-third of the government in a matter of days wasn't enough, the next victim of the ‘humane population’ was the defence. The armies, the air-forces, the navies, were all disbanded. Since the countries did not even show the slightest hint of hatred towards each other, the war for political supremacy had ceased, and the protection was no longer needed. The great public awareness also meant Social Workers and Activists had absolutely nothing to fight for. The media had become an epitome of virtue. Most of the reporters lost their jobs because of lack of news items. The disease incidence and accidents also went down to almost nil, as people had started taking really good care of themselves and others as well. Natural deaths had become the order of the day and illnesses a rarity. 90% of the healthcare business had crashed and the doctors had nothing to practice upon except for really rare emergencies. The inactivity of public services and the desire of the people for a simple living also meant that industries, economies, soliciting, environmentalism, marketing, banking had all become things of the past. Ecology now became extremely unbalanced as the number of animals had grown to be unnecessarily large when compared to the number of resources available. Scientists had stopped discovering anything; Astronomy, Geology and Genetics were now regarded as a waste of time, as people weren't really interested in any materialistic entities at all. They had learnt to accept death and illnesses as a will of God and started leading a life of penance. The NGOs, the philosophers, the Statisticians, the Engineers and the Sociologists were rendered useless. Temple donations stopped, Architecture was dissolved and even Academics were seen as a road to a vicious lifestyle. The margin between the rich and the poor decreased drastically. Virtually no one worked for anyone else and most businesses were shut down as production had come to a standstill.

As a result, now more than 75% of the world was out of jobs, people now started struggling even for basic survival. It soon became apparent to them that the road they had taken would lead to nothing but a painful end. They became concerned. And concern is indeed the biggest enemy of mankind. The people thought about their future, their children’s future, and started making decisions by themselves. They needed food for survival and money for food. The hunger provoked anger which in turn promoted longing for the life which they had had before. Slowly and steadily they started stealing from others, wrenching every possible mongrel of any edible item they could from one another. Chaos and confusion were at their prime now. Petty fights ensued and the animals were hunted at random at will. And now, since there was no check left on the law and order, people started robbing, killing, cheating, forging, extorting etc. for virtually anything and everything. The world was a much worse place than before. Meanwhile, a rugged looking man barged into the gates of Banwari Lal’s house. Scared by the commotion outside, Banwari put his family into hiding and went out to check upon the trespasser. He was aghast to see the ex-MLA who had presented him with an honour a few months back. The man bellowed, “Khana de bhookha hoon” (Give me food, I’m hungry). Banwari himself didn’t have any left and had to refuse. The man in a fit of rage took out his dagger and plunged it deep into Banwari’s heart.........

 ...........Banwari woke up with a start (You already saw that coming didn’t you?). There was no blood, but still a lingering pain in his chest. To say that he was horrified by what he had just dreamt about would be a massive understatement. His daughter who lay awake beside him inquired about his reaction. He recounted every detail of the dream to her. After all, she was a big girl and deserved to know the gory details of the real and the dream world. His daughter was flummoxed on hearing all this. Scared that she already knew the answer, she asked him the inevitable question, “Dad, is this the end result of the dream you have for our country?”

To her surprise Banwari smiled, and nodded his head.

“Then what is the point of your fight against the system?” she asked desperately. He sighed and then smiled again, for the answer was simple, and he had always known it.

He replied, “My dear, Nothing can be perfect, Nothing should be perfect. The Good cannot survive without the Evil, and vice-versa. Both the groups have to keep on fighting for their respective sides, while knowing that there will always be a stalemate. The rule of nature says that ‘Neither shall win while the other loses, and it shall go on till the end of time.’ ”

“So will both of you keep going on even though there is no end?” she asked.

“Yes we shall. Both of us know that victory will embrace neither, but we shall die trying” replied Banwari Lal, and quietly put his daughter back to sleep.

            Namaste!!! Jai Hind!!!

The Stronger, Weaker, Other XI

OK Clarifications first. This is not a cricket blog. I did not intend to start with this article either. But given the two exactly opposite games in the same world between the two exactly opposite genders of the same teams and my extreme love for the game has resulted in shifting my original first article to next week.

So after the ridiculously long sentence, I will come to the point. Multiple articles have already been written about the ineptitude of the Indian Men’s cricket team after the victory at Lords. Yesterday*, the Indian Women’s team stomped all over their English counterparts despite playing a test match after 8 years. And yet, it remains the only major Women’s team not to have centrally contracted players despite being from the richest cricket board of the world. A BCCI official when asked about this disparity once, mockingly said, “Ladkiyon ko khelta kaun dekhna chahta hai?” (Who wants to watch girls play?).  I would like to question the Mr. Random Person from the board which must not be named: ‘What exactly is the logic behind your theory?’ Putting all the obvious feminism aside, don’t you know that watching/wanting/looking at/ogling at/staring at girls is the bread and butter of us Indian men which for us comes even before the actual bread and butter? And to watch those girls play? This is like a dream come true. If the girls have their share of ‘Oohs and Aahs’ and ‘Marry Me’ for Virat Kohli and Ravi Shastri (The time of our Moms, and its true), then we’ve had ours for Sania Mirza as well. Take Saina, PT Usha, Jwala, Ashwini, Koneru, Deepika, and Mary Kom (last on purpose) etc. for example. We have continuously watched and supported them, whenever the media gave us the chance to, sometimes even more than their male counterparts. Never before in our country has there been such a wide gap between the men’s and women’s team of the same sport (Don't say football, it's none of our business, it never was). The BCCI only supports the team reluctantly because it has been instructed so by the ICC.  A lack of media coverage, and the total lack of sponsorships also hamper the team‘s admirable progress. Many fans would've gladly switched the channels had the Women team's match been broadcast anywhere. 

Jibes apart though, some might argue that other boards haven’t exactly been generous to the fairer sex either.  This is true, considering the fact that even though Myrtle Maclagan, one of the earliest legends in Women’s cricket, used to play for England in the 1930s, the game has not exactly progressed even after 80 years as it should’ve for the ladies. But then, which country has single-handedly catapulted the men’s game to the global platform even though it’s majorly played by only 10 countries? There’s a reason that the Champions’ Trophy Final had more viewership than the FIFA World Cup final. Because when you remove China out of the equation, India rules the roost, which brings me back to my original point. That only when the Indian audiences gain interest in the game, will the women’s sport be popular for good.

Now following the rules of the media so that I’m not labelled a rebel, I’ll cover the women team’s news to this point only and proceed to the usual boring bashing of the Men’s team. I’m not going to feign surprise though. At the time of writing**, Gautam Gambhir has just been woefully run-out in the 2^nd innings, thereby completely ticking off all the boxes of the team not being able to bat, bowl, field or run. Perhaps the only wonder on this tour has been the victory at Lords.

We love Bollywood movies where the hero single-handedly defeats the entire system to come out victorious against all odds. Thus, we have come to expect the same in real life too, especially where we wish that the team which is hated by all countries comes out victorious in every match. But it has taken us quite a long time to realise that we are the villains over here. All the other boards hate us, mock us, and try to nitpick only because the BCCI has been bullying them throughout and has been rigid about everything -  from the angst against DRS to the angst against Pakistanis playing in the IPL. And hence, the team's failures are glorified at each increasing number. It’s not a coincidence that a neutral supporter always supports the team playing opposite India. Not very long ago, Australia was in the same position, but that was purely because of their skill and not money. Coming on to the team, I’m not at all an MS Dhoni fan. Everyone knows that he might be the luckiest cricketer ever. But a big fact is that he probably knows it too, and he respects that luck, and produces results based on it. I fail to understand the constant demand for him to voluntarily resign as the test captain though. Agreed, he is a horrible captain and a worthless tactician, but given the insane amount of money he earns from this job, I challenge that no one will do so unless forced to. But when everyone is raking in crores, what's the harm? The problems are so many that the discussions on them can go on and on and on but the fact remains; Haven’t we invested enough time and resources on just one sport? The answer may be obvious but since we have been brought up upon this game’s men division only, it’ll take a lot of time and help from different sponsors and the media.

It is at this point that I have realised that I am going nowhere with this post as this one was written out of pure emotion for the game and also because too many people have too many opinions about it. I rest my case with various open-ended theories and promise that next week onward I’ll come up with topics of wider spectrum and diversity. 

                            

* This post is a few hours late as I was busy hogging after a full day Janmashtami fast

** Refer to *