The UPSC Masterstroke

There’s a reason that this blog’s name is so. What other name would you give to a person who suddenly decides to give the country’s most difficult exam just because the authorities increased the no. of attempts to six, knowing fully well that the full day wasted could've easily been utilised by sleeping, eating, watching the next tv series on the list, or even, brace yourselves, by studying something worthwhile? 

I am talking about the UPSC (Union Public Servie Commission)’s Civil Services examination (popularly known as IAS ka paper), which was held all over India on Sunday, 24^th August.

I was one of those people who had actually no idea what the paper was about, and with no remote intentions of being a civil servant ever (kyunki aukat hi nahi hai*), but had turned up just to gain some ‘experience’. I had heard a lot about the CSAT (questions on quantitative aptitude, reasoning, comprehension etc.) fiasco and how the portion of English comprehension had been made optional due to the protests. Also since I have given CAT and other MBA entrances and have scored decent percentiles, I hoped that I could at least do that portion well. Here’s the analysis of the paper:-

PAPER 1:

This was the General Studies Paper-I and had questions from every subject ever taught in school. As I hadn't even opened any book for this, I was expecting to be blown away by the questions and had hoped that I would at least recognise one or two questions. But the paper was the work of a genius. One look at the questions, and you would have several cringe-inducing moments like, “Abe yaar ye to bachpan me padha tha/ Abe yaar ye waala to aana chahiye tha mujhe/ Abe yaar ye to news me suna tha kuch din pehle/ Abe yaar kaash atlas aur world map dekh liya hota ek baar etc.*”. And yet the answers would not strike.

Another reason was that most of them were questions with multiple answers disguised as Single choice questions. Therefore, even if you knew one answer, you’d still struggle to get the whole question right. Crime-Master Gogo from Andaz Apna Apna would’ve happily commented, “Hath ko aaya, aur mu na laga*”. I also realised that UPSC is like a brilliant PR manager; luring the candidates into believing that with adequate amount of preparation, the papers are easily solvable. This then starts the year after year slog and thorough preparation, the result of which for most comes out to be a jar full of nothingness.

PAPER 2:

This was the main reason for me to fill the form this year. I was told that the General Studies Paper – II or the CSAT (Civil Services Aptitude Test) is of a level easier than other MBA entrance examinations. So I was fairly confident of scoring decently in this section. But what followed was an absolute disaster. The overall paper was so easy that it would've made no difference whether an average student prepared or not. In fact, the level of the questions was much lower than the supposedly lower level examinations such as PCS, SSC or the Bank PO examinations. Ok, now before labelling me as an obnoxious snob, who’s trying to show off his mathematical and reasoning skills, sample this word by word question from the paper.

Q 51. Consider that:

1.       A is taller than B

2.       C is taller than A

3.       D is taller than C

4.       E is the tallest of all.

If they are made to sit in the above order of their height, who will occupy the mid position?

(a)    A                     (b) B                      (c) C                       (d) D

The level of difficulty of this reasoning question is equivalent to the following questions from various subjects: -

BIOLOGY:

Where is the Cerebrum located?

(a)    Heart                     (b) Lungs             (c) Kidney            (d) Brain

CHEMISTRY:

The atomic number of Hydrogen is:-

(a)    0                              (b) 1                       (c) 2                       (d) 2.5

MATHEMATICS:

If 5 pencils are sold for Rs. 3 each, and 3 pens are sold for Rs. 5 each, what is the total amount received? (A similar question was asked in the paper as well)

(a)    Rs. 30                    (b) Rs. 50             (c) Rs. 70              (d) Rs. 90

GEOGRAPHY:

What is the capital of USA?

(a)    New York            (b) Washington DC          (c) Jerusalem (unintentional)     (d) Islamabad

HISTORY/CIVICS:

 Who was the first Mughal emperor? / Who was the first president of India?

(Should I even bother with the options?)

COMMERCE:

The basic accounting rule says, _________ what comes in,  _________ what goes out**.

(a)    Debit/Credit       (b) Credit/Debit         (c) Import/Export            (d) Raghu/Rajiv

Now, unless you’re the guy who once said on an All India Radio quiz that the Taj Mahal is situated in Ajmer (true story, but more on that later), you can pretty much answer these questions on your own. Even if you don’t know some of them, you can be confident about these if you prepare for even a month. If still not, you should realise that this examination is not suitable for you, instead of demanding scrapping off the section itself. Some people would argue that not all questions were like this and some Comprehensions were tough as well. But this is where the UPSC plays its masterstroke. It keeps the individual CSAT cutoff to 30-40 (Again, no research of mine, this comes straight from the mouth of those people who gave their 3^rd/4^th attempt, so don’t reprimand me if it's a bit wayward). Each question is of 2.5 marks so even if one can attempt 16 questions of this level correctly (there were at least 30), one can score 40 marks and clear this section. As far as the general studies section is concerned, the cutoff still ranges between 70 and 80. So the Paper II becomes redundant as far as clearing the preliminary round is concerned, as it is just a formality which enables you to get to the overall cutoff; which means that the things remain pretty much the same as they were earlier. That do your General Studies portion well. There's no respite/hindrance. Also, as far as the English comprehension cancellation was concerned, only 6 questions were removed.

                Well played UPSC. Well played indeed.

PS: Done with the Namaste/Jai Hind crap. I used to get irritated during re-reads; I can very well imagine the plight of the readers.

*My international and regional readers, kindly go to your nearest translators. I’m still recovering from the shock of the paper.

**I always used to think that (b) was the correct answer until a friend of mine told me that there’s a difference between a bank’s book, and a customer’s book. I immediately thanked my stars for not taking commerce and was given a further proof of my inability to clear this horrifying paper.

Victory's Defeat

May 2050. Banwari Lal was a happy man. He was finally satisfied with the way things were going. The India he wanted to see had materialised to his liking, to everybody’s liking. Agreed, it had taken him a better part of 30 years, but the time was worth it. After all it’s not every day that you see a country being purged clean of corruption, malice or guilt. The India he had envisioned for so long had finally shaped up to his desire. For his untiring efforts he was also awarded every top prize in the world, be it the Nobel Peace Prize, the Bharat Ratna or the countless honorary doctorates from every other country. People had started calling him the Greater Gandhi and he had deserved every ounce of that appreciation. But then, he hadn't done all this for the accolades. The reward of self-satisfaction and watching his dream come true in front of his own eyes could not match any other applause. The perspiration on the forehead had finally stopped. Banwari literally heaved a sigh of relief.

Initially though, there had been a lot of hiccups. It really had been a tough ride for him. When he started his campaign against corruption, people had chastised him for almost everything, even his nerve for trying to battle it out against the big-names. Yes, he did agree that some of his decisions were hasty, drastic, even banking on the lines of being preposterous. But in the end, after so many battles, he had won the war. The results of which was much more rewarding than he had expected. After the introduction of the People’s Anti-Corruption Bill, all the black money had been brought back; crime rate had fallen to an absolute zero; each and every citizen of the country had become much more responsible towards his/her duties and a non-corrupt, value upholding person; Peace and Harmony had spread across the country and people had stopped even trivial wrongdoings such as lying to each other; Bribery, Murders, Rapes and all other malpractices were now a part of popular folklore; People had also become environmentally responsible and every citizen was doing its bit towards eradication of global warming and poverty in general. They hadn't really become angels, but they were no less. They had realised that the deceits, cheating, fraudulences, or crimes weren't worth it. India had become a model nation for the world, and the others were catching up fast. Within 3 months every nation of the world followed suite and gave up its nuclear weaponry and extended hands of friendship to even its staunchest arch-enemies. The governments were no longer needed to control the population any longer. It just paid the employees and never really needed to intervene in any of the public’s daily affairs. People also gave up other societal vices such as alcohol, smoking and even non-vegetarian food. Not even the great Lord Ram could've imagined such a world in which the humanity was in a better condition than at the time of the first humans themselves.

And then, within a year, in a jiffy, it all came crashing down. The first casualty was the judiciary. No crimes, no grudges, and tranquility all around meant that there was no lack of law and order. The lawyers and the judges were now out of jobs. They missed the violence all around, and to be fair to them, they hadn't really seen anything else throughout their lives. The police were also not needed as even the smallest of vices of the common man had deserted the society. As if the dissolution of one-third of the government in a matter of days wasn't enough, the next victim of the ‘humane population’ was the defence. The armies, the air-forces, the navies, were all disbanded. Since the countries did not even show the slightest hint of hatred towards each other, the war for political supremacy had ceased, and the protection was no longer needed. The great public awareness also meant Social Workers and Activists had absolutely nothing to fight for. The media had become an epitome of virtue. Most of the reporters lost their jobs because of lack of news items. The disease incidence and accidents also went down to almost nil, as people had started taking really good care of themselves and others as well. Natural deaths had become the order of the day and illnesses a rarity. 90% of the healthcare business had crashed and the doctors had nothing to practice upon except for really rare emergencies. The inactivity of public services and the desire of the people for a simple living also meant that industries, economies, soliciting, environmentalism, marketing, banking had all become things of the past. Ecology now became extremely unbalanced as the number of animals had grown to be unnecessarily large when compared to the number of resources available. Scientists had stopped discovering anything; Astronomy, Geology and Genetics were now regarded as a waste of time, as people weren't really interested in any materialistic entities at all. They had learnt to accept death and illnesses as a will of God and started leading a life of penance. The NGOs, the philosophers, the Statisticians, the Engineers and the Sociologists were rendered useless. Temple donations stopped, Architecture was dissolved and even Academics were seen as a road to a vicious lifestyle. The margin between the rich and the poor decreased drastically. Virtually no one worked for anyone else and most businesses were shut down as production had come to a standstill.

As a result, now more than 75% of the world was out of jobs, people now started struggling even for basic survival. It soon became apparent to them that the road they had taken would lead to nothing but a painful end. They became concerned. And concern is indeed the biggest enemy of mankind. The people thought about their future, their children’s future, and started making decisions by themselves. They needed food for survival and money for food. The hunger provoked anger which in turn promoted longing for the life which they had had before. Slowly and steadily they started stealing from others, wrenching every possible mongrel of any edible item they could from one another. Chaos and confusion were at their prime now. Petty fights ensued and the animals were hunted at random at will. And now, since there was no check left on the law and order, people started robbing, killing, cheating, forging, extorting etc. for virtually anything and everything. The world was a much worse place than before. Meanwhile, a rugged looking man barged into the gates of Banwari Lal’s house. Scared by the commotion outside, Banwari put his family into hiding and went out to check upon the trespasser. He was aghast to see the ex-MLA who had presented him with an honour a few months back. The man bellowed, “Khana de bhookha hoon” (Give me food, I’m hungry). Banwari himself didn’t have any left and had to refuse. The man in a fit of rage took out his dagger and plunged it deep into Banwari’s heart.........

 ...........Banwari woke up with a start (You already saw that coming didn’t you?). There was no blood, but still a lingering pain in his chest. To say that he was horrified by what he had just dreamt about would be a massive understatement. His daughter who lay awake beside him inquired about his reaction. He recounted every detail of the dream to her. After all, she was a big girl and deserved to know the gory details of the real and the dream world. His daughter was flummoxed on hearing all this. Scared that she already knew the answer, she asked him the inevitable question, “Dad, is this the end result of the dream you have for our country?”

To her surprise Banwari smiled, and nodded his head.

“Then what is the point of your fight against the system?” she asked desperately. He sighed and then smiled again, for the answer was simple, and he had always known it.

He replied, “My dear, Nothing can be perfect, Nothing should be perfect. The Good cannot survive without the Evil, and vice-versa. Both the groups have to keep on fighting for their respective sides, while knowing that there will always be a stalemate. The rule of nature says that ‘Neither shall win while the other loses, and it shall go on till the end of time.’ ”

“So will both of you keep going on even though there is no end?” she asked.

“Yes we shall. Both of us know that victory will embrace neither, but we shall die trying” replied Banwari Lal, and quietly put his daughter back to sleep.

            Namaste!!! Jai Hind!!!

The Stronger, Weaker, Other XI

OK Clarifications first. This is not a cricket blog. I did not intend to start with this article either. But given the two exactly opposite games in the same world between the two exactly opposite genders of the same teams and my extreme love for the game has resulted in shifting my original first article to next week.

So after the ridiculously long sentence, I will come to the point. Multiple articles have already been written about the ineptitude of the Indian Men’s cricket team after the victory at Lords. Yesterday*, the Indian Women’s team stomped all over their English counterparts despite playing a test match after 8 years. And yet, it remains the only major Women’s team not to have centrally contracted players despite being from the richest cricket board of the world. A BCCI official when asked about this disparity once, mockingly said, “Ladkiyon ko khelta kaun dekhna chahta hai?” (Who wants to watch girls play?).  I would like to question the Mr. Random Person from the board which must not be named: ‘What exactly is the logic behind your theory?’ Putting all the obvious feminism aside, don’t you know that watching/wanting/looking at/ogling at/staring at girls is the bread and butter of us Indian men which for us comes even before the actual bread and butter? And to watch those girls play? This is like a dream come true. If the girls have their share of ‘Oohs and Aahs’ and ‘Marry Me’ for Virat Kohli and Ravi Shastri (The time of our Moms, and its true), then we’ve had ours for Sania Mirza as well. Take Saina, PT Usha, Jwala, Ashwini, Koneru, Deepika, and Mary Kom (last on purpose) etc. for example. We have continuously watched and supported them, whenever the media gave us the chance to, sometimes even more than their male counterparts. Never before in our country has there been such a wide gap between the men’s and women’s team of the same sport (Don't say football, it's none of our business, it never was). The BCCI only supports the team reluctantly because it has been instructed so by the ICC.  A lack of media coverage, and the total lack of sponsorships also hamper the team‘s admirable progress. Many fans would've gladly switched the channels had the Women team's match been broadcast anywhere. 

Jibes apart though, some might argue that other boards haven’t exactly been generous to the fairer sex either.  This is true, considering the fact that even though Myrtle Maclagan, one of the earliest legends in Women’s cricket, used to play for England in the 1930s, the game has not exactly progressed even after 80 years as it should’ve for the ladies. But then, which country has single-handedly catapulted the men’s game to the global platform even though it’s majorly played by only 10 countries? There’s a reason that the Champions’ Trophy Final had more viewership than the FIFA World Cup final. Because when you remove China out of the equation, India rules the roost, which brings me back to my original point. That only when the Indian audiences gain interest in the game, will the women’s sport be popular for good.

Now following the rules of the media so that I’m not labelled a rebel, I’ll cover the women team’s news to this point only and proceed to the usual boring bashing of the Men’s team. I’m not going to feign surprise though. At the time of writing**, Gautam Gambhir has just been woefully run-out in the 2^nd innings, thereby completely ticking off all the boxes of the team not being able to bat, bowl, field or run. Perhaps the only wonder on this tour has been the victory at Lords.

We love Bollywood movies where the hero single-handedly defeats the entire system to come out victorious against all odds. Thus, we have come to expect the same in real life too, especially where we wish that the team which is hated by all countries comes out victorious in every match. But it has taken us quite a long time to realise that we are the villains over here. All the other boards hate us, mock us, and try to nitpick only because the BCCI has been bullying them throughout and has been rigid about everything -  from the angst against DRS to the angst against Pakistanis playing in the IPL. And hence, the team's failures are glorified at each increasing number. It’s not a coincidence that a neutral supporter always supports the team playing opposite India. Not very long ago, Australia was in the same position, but that was purely because of their skill and not money. Coming on to the team, I’m not at all an MS Dhoni fan. Everyone knows that he might be the luckiest cricketer ever. But a big fact is that he probably knows it too, and he respects that luck, and produces results based on it. I fail to understand the constant demand for him to voluntarily resign as the test captain though. Agreed, he is a horrible captain and a worthless tactician, but given the insane amount of money he earns from this job, I challenge that no one will do so unless forced to. But when everyone is raking in crores, what's the harm? The problems are so many that the discussions on them can go on and on and on but the fact remains; Haven’t we invested enough time and resources on just one sport? The answer may be obvious but since we have been brought up upon this game’s men division only, it’ll take a lot of time and help from different sponsors and the media.

It is at this point that I have realised that I am going nowhere with this post as this one was written out of pure emotion for the game and also because too many people have too many opinions about it. I rest my case with various open-ended theories and promise that next week onward I’ll come up with topics of wider spectrum and diversity. 

                            

* This post is a few hours late as I was busy hogging after a full day Janmashtami fast

** Refer to *