Wednesday 17 September 2014

Kashmir Ki Khali

Khalna
/ (ख़लना) /
Verb
Meaning: Getting irritated
                         

             The Following is the timeline of a standard Natural disaster in any part of India over the past so many years.


A major Natural calamity à Floods/Landslides/Earthquakes in the whole area à People  caught in the waters/Land à Livestock dead; increase in the no. of human casualties à Failure of local administration despite Multiple warnings à Army relief sent à Safety of the tourists ensured first à Appeal for philanthropy from the population à Few Voluntary donations à NGOs’ assistance à Emotional Outbursts à Water receding/ Stoppage of the earthquake à People saved à Announcement of cash ‘prizes’ for the families of the deceased à Start of the rehabilitation program for another few months. à Things back to normal.


            Whereas the following is the timeline of the recent Kashmir floods over the past two weeks. (Note that this also involves participation from people of all religions/states/creeds working tirelessly from behind their computer screens to contribute just filth).

A major flood after 60 years à People  caught in the waters à Livestock dead; increase in the no. of human casualties à Failure of local administration despite Multiple warnings à Army relief sent à Glorification of the army by the media à Criticism of the army by the locals à Criticism of the Indian media by Fanatics on one side à Criticism of the Fanatics on one side by Fanatics on the other side à Glorification of Locals by other Locals à Criticism of the other Locals by some other Locals à Hate Messages from one side à Hate messages from the other side à Safety of the tourists ensured first à This spread by some as being a step to deliberately sabotage Kashmir à Rumours flowing even more than the waters of the flood à Blaming India à Blaming Pakistan à Blaming the Abdullahs à Blaming Modi à Blaming Gilani à Innumerable Political Statements à Appeal for philanthropy from the population à  Wave of Unity à Voluntary Donations from all over the world in both cash and kindà NGOs’ assistance à Water receding à Emotional Outbursts à People saved à  Announcement of cash ‘prizes’ for the families of the deceased à Start of the rehabilitation programme for another few months. à Things back to normal.



                 The Qur'an describes the Day of Judgement/Resurrection (Qayamat) as follows: 


'When the Deafening Blast comes, that Day a man will flee from his brother and his mother and his father, and his wife and his children: on that Day every man among them will have concerns enough of his own.' The Holy Qur'an, Chapter 80, Verses 33-37 


                     Pretty much spot on, I guess. This tragedy although was nowhere close, but the reaction of the people involved was. The flood was a severe one. One of the worst in Kashmir’s history. Not severity wise maybe, as we’ve had worse ones during the Tsunami or the Uttarkashi floods etc. But the damage caused by the unpreparedness of the authorities converted it into one of the most damaging disasters of the decade. This could’ve been and was being dealt like every other calamity. But then, the state of Jammu & Kashmir is a superstar. Like Shah Rukh Khan, or maybe Narendra Modi. Love it or Hate it, but you cannot ignore it. Each and every Indian/Pakistani has an opinion regardless of knowing any fact. The ones who continuously suffer are the common people who’ve had enough and are tired of this stardom which the higher authorities enjoy at their expense. Throughout these few days, I think I’ve seen it all. The level to which the people can stoop to spread hatred and negativity instead of lending helping hands is appalling. The journalism throughout this incident has seen so many shades of yellow that even Rakhi Sawant or KRK can be put to shame.


                    But, when all hope was destroyed; from the ashes, rose the phoenix in the form of the good Samaritans. The Kashmiris from all over the world, came together to save their motherland from the wrath of the floods and the fiends. From the clutches of extreme evil, forces of even greater good have emerged and spread calm all around. For every single person who has continuously exploited the hapless locals for monetary gains, there have been at least 2 heroes as well. The army? To a great extent, Yes. The locals? Definitely, as they were the ones who coordinated the relief work in different areas. But the real paragons of virtue were the countless people working behind the scenes to stop the madness from spreading. My classmate, who single-handedly organised the collection drive among 1000s of people even though his family was safe; the people in my hostel who had no contact with their families stuck in the worst affected areas for 5 days, but who were still able to provide neutral and pragmatic inputs devoid of hatred; the bunch of girls in my class who had no relation whatsoever with the incident, but still donated insane amounts in cash and kind; the organisations which volunteered and successfully transported the relief when the govt. failed; and the Indigo Airlines who allowed 1000s of kgs of cargo to be sent to Kashmir for free. – these were the real not-wanting-to-be-labelled heroes who were just concerned about Human Life; and not Human Type.



               The Water level is now under control and rehabilitation might start in two weeks. So, the last two steps in the timeline above will take some time. But believe me, the end result will be the same. The situation over there unfortunately, will neither progress nor regress. Lovers will love, haters will hate; all with the same intensity. The John/Jane Doe will have lost a lot, and will have to start all over again, but no one will care. Perhaps, the only thing we can do here is put all of this behind us, help people move on with their lives, and hope that Kashmir rises again, to be the heaven again, which it is always supposed to be.





P.S. - Meanwhile in another world, the DUSU (Delhi University Student Union) elections were held with pomp and fervour. As usual, a stunning victory was recorded by #Seriously_no_one_cares.


Sunday 7 September 2014

Women, You Can't Win!!!

My creative juices have somewhat stopped flowing after 3 articles. I have started losing interest in this just like I do so after anything. I easily become bored with any worthwhile work which stretches over a period of time – any considerable period of time. Well, you see, I am not a woman; and therefore, I am allowed to do so. I am not expected to perform the same mundane and inhumane tasks everyday without ever complaining or budging an inch. I have always waited for the day when your lot would succumb to your daily/lifely routine, put up your hands, and say 'Enough is Enough!' But Alas! I am disappointed every time.

Yes my ladies, this exactly is our (the men of course) problem. We are jealous of you irrespective and because of everything you're able to do. You may feel it’s the other way round but it is not. Our violence towards you stems from the dissatisfaction and anger we have towards the Creator. The basic human tendency is to desire something one does not have. Imagine all your materialistic cravings ever, all the things or beings you've ever wanted to have or be, rolled into a single ball of aspiration. That is the magnitude of our want. Yes, of course you are an OBJECT, which is worth preserving, for we are not even worth having or possessing. You are the kinder one, the tender one, the prettier one, the mature one, the multi-tasker, the balancer, the life-giver, the life-maker, the home-maker, the socialiser, the therapist, the healer, and the soul mate. We are worthless without you. The word beauty was invented because of you. The source of nature’s abstract beauty is derived from yours. A man may be handsome, cute, debonair, dashing or maybe even pretty. But have you heard of someone being a ‘beautiful’ man?  You’re everything we’ve ever wanted to be.

Then how come we have dominated you for so long? How come you have been the secondary sex for centuries? How come you have had to struggle so hard to get an equal status as us? Shouldn’t it all have been the other way round?

The answer perhaps lies in the single attribute God nonchalantly gave us so that we could protect and preserve his most valuable creation. THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH (Feminists: kindly accept this one silently because you know you cannot refute.  Boys: No, it’s not the lower body-part as well because they give us birth; and kindly do not even try to start the 'getting kicked in the crotch' debate, for it’s NOT the same, getting kicked continuously for an hour might come close though). Yes, the Upper Body Strength. And then He created Darwin, whose theory of ‘Survival of the fittest’, we took to heart. We knew that if we did not react quickly, we’d be conquered in no time. And it was then that we started shifting the balance of power in our favour. Believe me, this was no easy job. Year-by-year, Centuries after centuries of inflicting pain, humiliation, mind-numbing molestation, combined with systematic terror-inducing persuasion and brainwashing, finally enabled us to make you believe that we are the superior sex. The blatant misuse of one tiny fine-tuning of our metabolic system made us reverse the whole-process of mankind (kindly note that it’s never womankind) and transformed you into thinking that you depend on us. God can simply call on the M-Seal company to be His (Ha! He’s a He too!!) Brand ambassador just for their fitting tagline ‘Ek tapakti boond aapki zindagi badal sakti hai’ (A single droplet can change your life).
           
         It has been a careful, wonderful and a well-orchestrated plan though. Firstly, we outnumbered you by continuously killing you at birth itself (the sub-continent method; processes differ from region to region). After de-equalising the ratio, we created some convenient rules of the society. We accused you of many ill-deeds, sins of the past, for eg. calling your menstrual pains the results of the Eve's misdeeds (differs yet again, suit yourselves) and many other theories. Since we were in the majority, we had the liberty to take any fact and twist it into any ridiculous way and then impose it upon you without you ever questioning. Once it was established that you could do us no harm, we started reminding you about your multiple duties towards us. We kept piling more upon you, so much so that you were expected to do more work at once than Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris combined. To our surprise, you still thrived. Tell us to boil water and milk in two different pans at once and we would panic, but you could effortlessly cook multiple dishes, change the diaper of the baby, wash the clothes, talk to the neighbour across, greet the visitors with utmost dignity, uphold the honour of your adopted family while ignoring yours, all at once.

We were stumped on seeing this, and increased the jealousy quotient by a few notches. Something had to be done. After all, it’s not easy accepting inferiority when you have such a big ego. Obviously we had to overlook the fact that you have no such issues since you’re the humbler, gentler one as well. We, therefore, labelled this quality of yours as meek/weak and asked you to surrender. So we now hovered upon you like some colossal figure to protect you against the same specimen of our species, be it as a father, a brother, a husband or a boyfriend trying to act like an Action Hero in front of you. Also, the reservations we have had for you in various sectors like education, politics, transport, workplaces etc. are nothing but a testament to our superiority. We have subsequently taken the lead in every profession we could, and labelled those in which we could not as secondary or worthless. We have now successfully set up a few regulations (mostly wishes) which you are expected to abide by especially during your marital days:

1.      Even though we might look like the uglier versions of Tamraj Kilvish (the antagonist of the popular Doordarshan serial Shaktiman) ourselves, but for our life partners, we want the combination of an Aishwarya Rai and a Kaamwali Baai (Domestic help).

2.      If we don’t get #1 (most of us don’t), we will treat you as an educated maid who either should quit her job, or balance it with the household and of course our families. All of this coupled with occasional sessions of maar-pitai* (commonly known as domestic violence).

3.      YOU WILL NOT EARN MORE THAN US. If you do so, that money is automatically ours. You see, satisfaction of the male ego is of utmost importance.

4.      Of course, we will conveniently forget about the ego part while taking dowry. You may want to argue that it’s the same, but these are our rules, and we Rule*!!!

5.      This goes without saying, but you know who’ll be blamed in case of any abuse or assault initiated by us.

The list is endless, so I hope you do realise that you’ll never be able to reverse the situation. It is an unspoken, unwritten law amongst us (another quality of ours; throughout the world, the masculine brain functions the same way), that no woman shall ever come to know that she was supposed to be the special one. Over the centuries, some of you have frequently tried to oppose us by raising your voices, but you all know how brutally they have been crushed. The levels of successes we have achieved are only due to the unity and the sheer number of our gender which you can never hope to have because we have turned your own kind against you. Your only hope of even a slight chance of reversal is that if you start NOW, unite all the women of the world to be together against us, then given your ability to work faster than us, you will probably take a mere 1500 years. But since you are more virtuous than us as well, you would prefer peace in your families and surroundings. Therefore, the Adams can sit back and be rest assured about their dominance through their many subsequent afterlives as well.

                                                       Ah!!! The bliss!!!



*I know that my writing is getting more unprofessional and juvenile by each passing day, but what the heck, I’m a man!!!