Abhi To Tension Suru Hui Hai!!!!

                  Yes yes, I know that you’ve been desperately waiting for my posts for the past two months. Oh wait!! That’s just me. The truth is that a lot of ideas keep coming to this highly unused brain but then, typing burns a lot of calories. Probably more than 10, which is a lot by my standards. But tomorrow also happens to be my exam, and I am in the ‘I am desperate enough to do anything but study’ mode. So I therefore came out of my temporary hibernation and naturally chose the most common and relatable topic of the month, the Bored Exams (I’m pretty sure that’s the correct spelling).

                       This is for the poor class 12^th chaps who have just finished with their papers after being told a couple of years ago during their 10^th standard ‘Beta bas ye do saal important hain..... Inme padh lo fir aage aish hi aish hai’.......

Remember these fancy words? Feeling betrayed aren’t you?

Well then let me make it easier for you and give you an insight into the future. IT IS OVER....The bubble has been burst.

Nothing is going to happen. It is just going to go downhill from here and you’ll start hating your life even more. Motivational quotes like ‘Live your life to the fullest’, ‘It is not the end of world’, ‘You are destined for so much’, ‘Marks do not matter’,  ‘Enjoy the small moments’, or my favourite ‘YOLOatiwbigciim (You Only Live Once and that is while browsing Google Chrome in incognito mode)’ are a farce.

Things will remain as they have always been and life will seem like a big drag. Not to mention, you will live your entire life quite the same way you have been, with the fun quotient decreasing every year.

I have therefore tried to prepare  an almost exhaustive list of the type of students you are and what you’ll do later in life (I really have no work to do AT ALL). This does not include once in a decade exceptions like those mentioned in Shiv Khera and Robin Sharma books. This is just a shallow observation of how a life of the student from a middle-class family unfolds.

1.       The Ruthless Toppers: You are among the ones who scored 99.98412 in class 10 and then cried because of losing that 1 mark in English as the correction was probably biased and the world was conspiring against you and nothing was going your way. You’ll probably end up scoring a devastatingly low 98 this time and you’ll mourn with your whole family and won't eat for a few days. If you’re from the science stream (you probably are), you would either get into a decent enough engineering college (no IITs; you obviously do not know the concepts you mugger) or your father is a doctor or you’ll be an SRCC reject ending up in a Correspondence Course (as DU is aiming for a 110 mark cutoff this time). You’ll end up getting the highest marks in your college as well and then you’ll end up getting a good job after which you’ll either end up getting frustrated with your life or you’ll end up cracking the civil services/being a CEO of a multinational company. The one thing you’ll never do is regret your lifestyle. Sure, you will have your weak moments, you’ll get teased by most people, but since it is in your blood and habit, you won’t stop and in short.... You’ll END UP doing something worthwhile with your life. The End.

2.       The ‘Yaar kuch aata hi nahi’ deceivers: Before you start getting defensive, let me clarify that this is a relative category. For eg. For A person who continuously sees red on his/her Report Card, A Guy/Girl saying this and yet getting the passing marks is the culprit of this group; For the latter, the person getting in 60’s is the one; with the chain finally stopping just below category #1. The truth is, it's not your fault. You have never been really sure of yourselves and that is why you tend to take the safe route. You always tend to be a bit pessimistic about yourselves and after scoring relatively better marks you end up getting all the flak from your peers. You will get good marks and end up in decent colleges where you will make a mark of your own. You do come under the pressure of the society and tend to behave in that way but you will still shine despite being in positions which do not suit you. You might never be satisfied with your life ever, but people close to you will recognise your efforts and always look up to you for guidance. You might not get to do everything you ever wanted, but you’ll learn to compromise and sacrifice and still find solace and happiness in that.

3.       The Kaale Ghode: You silently scored 85-95 in 10^th. You know things but rarely speak in front of the teachers so they do not know about your talents. You will also score the same marks in 12^th but will surprise everyone in entrance exams by getting into IITs or clearing your CA papers with outstanding marks. You’ll also be the dark horses over there and will slowly polish yourselves to get the best high-paying jobs available. You will always wonder what it takes to be at the top, but you won’t complain, as money will buy you most of the things you ever aimed for. In short, your lives will be super busy, you’ll have a lot of money, but you’ll just be getting enough time to spend some of it.

4.       The ‘Bhaunkne and not Kaatne waale’: You have chewed off the mind and souls of almost all the teachers you’ve ever studied under. Teachers tend to run away from you because you just irritate them for no reason, ask unnecessary questions, and repeatedly fail to convert your class heroics into marks. You will continue to do so with your college teachers and your marks pattern will be the same. But this habit of yours will bear fruit one day when you’ll find employers or colleagues of your kind and you will prosper under them. You’ll mature with age and will use your speaking prowess to your advantage.

5.       The ‘Arts’ Waale: You are the equivalent of Mothers in a society. You have the toughest and the most boring subjects with you, and still you’ll be ridiculed by everyone...... throughout your student life. Sentences like...... ‘Are Arts liya? Tch tch tch’ will be the most compassionate thing you’ll ever hear. At one point in life, you’ll get frustrated and do one of the following:-

·         Aim for Civil Services or join an NGO

·         Try becoming teachers

·         Have a mood swing and aim for unrelated things like MBA and then fail at it.

·         Become successful artists in your respective fields and prove everyone wrong (probably won’t happen)

But in the end, after a few years, people will start looking up to you because the names of your degrees will be unpronounceable and sound very learned. The same people who made fun of you will seek advices from you for everyone and your time for showing off your skills will start then.

6.       The BBA (Back Benchers’ Assocation) Members: You made it through class 10 without having any notes, bunking all classes, and getting notes in your diaries and you still scored good marks. You’ll continue to do so and still succeed in 12^th too. Things will get worse for you when you start your college life. The number and the types of distractions will enable you to struggle with studies, no matter what subject, stream or college you choose. Back Papers, low marks and lazy attitude will define your character and you will plummet to new lows. But after an adequate period of nadir, you’ll choose to settle and will finally make your parents and relatives proud.

                                                                                                                

7.       The ‘Padhai Chhod ke kuch bhi karega’ bracket: This category is the most sought after which swells to become an organisation by the time college life finishes. You have wanted to participate in your passions since birth and are only studying because the society asks you to do so. You will end up sacrificing your talents somewhere midway through your college as you’ll be shouldered with responsibilities but will inspire others to join your bandwagon. You’ll have short bursts of showcasing your ‘other’ abilities throughout your lives but you might never be able to pursue them diligently. But you’ll also be content in the end, because you’ll find out, like everyone else above, that you never really had any other option.

                        So, I now realise that 7 categories aren’t enough to accommodate millions of people, but I guess, that broadly, you’ve got the idea about yours. And in the end, I have ended up doing what I hate the most. ‘Giving Gyaan’. But life’s unfair. So, best of luck for your future, I guess. On my part, I’ll try and come up with something more demeaning next time. Right now, I am barely able to write anymore. So Good Night!!!

Right Film, Wrong Characters

Today, I did the ultimate crime for which this world might never forgive me. I finally watched PK....ON MY LAPTOP AND NOT INSIDE A THEATRE. And this is after I have managed to watch Gunday, Tees Maar Khan, Aap Ki Khatir,  and Karzzzzzz in multiplexes.......SORRY.......Wait... I said I’m sorry... I can explain... It’s not what you think....Please let me..... *Kaboom* *Dhishum* *Crucio*...

                __________________________________________________________

Now typing from the hospital bed. What else could have I done? By the time I returned from a vacation, my parents, brother, cousins, friends, FB mutual friends, enemies, teachers, hostel-mates, the rat living under my bed, the ants outside my door... Everyone had already seen the movie and no one was willing to go for a second watch. Perhaps the only option was to invite PK himself or Jaadu because apparently, the movie could not be released in their planets due to Aamir’s distribution network still not being that perfect. But Alas! I didn’t even have his locket. Hence, the offense. Also, I had to compensate for my Dhoom-3 money.

                                  

*Final punch from the nurse...OW*

Anyway, let me get back to my worthless and useless opinion about the movie. Nothing matters and of course shouldn’t matter when something has already grossed ₹ 600cr worldwide and everyone from the actors to the spotboys (Ok! Not the spotboys) are swimming in the cesspool of money.

The movie starts off with a typical Hirani cliché, where a sidelined narrator (Anushka here, Madhavan you know where) describes Aamir Khan’s character and entry. It then moves on to the weirdest and the most hurried chemistry between a lead pair ever, which terminates faster than terminator (Ekdumahi LULL joke tha ee to). It then goes on to prove that two people in the same world can have the same independent original idea at not so distant time intervals (In other news, plagiarists and Pritam heave a sigh of relief; Annu Malik says Are Baba Are Baba from Auzaar was an original composition). The only difference here was, that like most good movies, OMG was sidelined even after releasing earlier because of a lesser popular star cast (read: Not Aamir Khan).

Let us come to the more interesting topic now. The Protests. I am a student of Statistics (my marks might continuously laugh at this statement but I keep convincing myself otherwise). So let us talk numbers and proportions. Percentage of Hindus in India? 80. Percentage of the film focusing on Hindu ceremonies and superstitions? 80. Maybe you’ll get the gist now. They made PK enter a mosque with wine in his hand. Christianity conversion was condemned. Terrorists conveniently bombed a train in the name of religion. The ‘Haye Hassan hum na hue’ Moharram practice was criticised. Other religions were more or less ignored as they generally are (A Parsi is a ‘dheekra wala’ language na?). Ab kya Alien ki jaan loge?

But after writing this, I asked myself, isn’t all this very obvious? Why would anyone in their right mind get offended at such petty things, when they have been shown before as well? Unless......Unless...... (*devilish smile activated*)..... the people involved with the movie benefitted from all this and deliberately..... *hush hush hush*

Now, I’m not implying that all this might have happened or generally happens in situations like these...... But let us assume for the sake of a little political incorrectness that it did happen.... So let us break up the money for every ticket purchased.

The pattern would in fact be pretty much the same as all the other ‘controversial’ movies. One person gets ₹50 for getting his sentiments hurt publicly. The other one gets ₹ 50 for opposing him publicly and urging people to watch it. The audience member pays ₹ 500 for the ticket. Rest of the money is distributed in different pockets. Paresh Rawal silently cries at home seeing only ₹ 20 in his wallet even after starring in a much superior film. Almost everyone laughs off his/her way to the bank.

Coming back to the film now, the fact that everyone noticed but hardly anyone has reported that this is actually Rajkumar Hirani’s worst film to date. It is another matter that it was better than most of the other idiocies round the year. But Mr. Hirani has a standard. That’s just like saying that the Australian cricket team of 1999 was worse than the one in 2003 or 2007, even though all three won the World Cup. It was strictly a one-time watch unlike his previous movies.

As far as the acting department is concerned, Aamir Khan is really good yet again but him surprising in every other movie of his has actually become kind of boring now. Perhaps he should do a regular movie which is not Dhoom. That might surprise the audience. Anushka, as my cousin very aptly described, looked like Bulbasaur from the Pokemon franchise and is rapidly going downhill now. Sushant Singh Rajput had nothing to do and Parikshit Sahni was one frame away from saying ‘Ja beti! Jee le apni zindagi’. The biggest disappointment and casualty of this movie was Saurabh Shukla, who despite being a very good actor, should be compared to Mithunda from OMG who was light years ahead in terms of acting and the pragmatism of the character. The only relief was perhaps finally seeing Boman Irani in a positive role in a Hirani movie. He’d have been relieved too....till he realised that it was a nothing role. After all, you either play a timeless, legendary antagonist or you play a good guy and get so sidelined that people might forget that you were Dr. Asthana, Lucky Singh and Veeru Sahastrabuddhe. But what was really disheartening to see was a certain Sanjay Dutt performing better in his 5 min role than all the others combined. His expressions in the scene where he lifts up his shoe to beat up the locket thief show that he is at his best when he is in Hirani’s expert hands.

Raj Kumar Hirani with his 4 films has created two major characters. A flawed Munnabhai with a heart of gold, and a better than perfect Aamir Khan. People adore the former, and find it difficult to digest the latter. With all respect to Aamir (which had decreased a lot after his seeing him tap dance in Dhoom-3), just imagine what the quality of this movie would have been, had this subject been handled by Munnabhai and Circuit. Oh! Hirani Sir, please start making another Munnabhai as soon as Mr. Dutt is released. Rest assured, you can earn the Rs. 600 crores on your own merit. Maybe the spotboys will get some share of the profits this time.

P.S. - I would've mentioned the unnecessary amount of songs, but since I had the liberty of forwarding them, I'll pass.