Women, You Can't Win!!!

My creative juices have somewhat stopped flowing after 3 articles. I have started losing interest in this just like I do so after anything. I easily become bored with any worthwhile work which stretches over a period of time – any considerable period of time. Well, you see, I am not a woman; and therefore, I am allowed to do so. I am not expected to perform the same mundane and inhumane tasks everyday without ever complaining or budging an inch. I have always waited for the day when your lot would succumb to your daily/lifely routine, put up your hands, and say 'Enough is Enough!' But Alas! I am disappointed every time.

Yes my ladies, this exactly is our (the men of course) problem. We are jealous of you irrespective and because of everything you're able to do. You may feel it’s the other way round but it is not. Our violence towards you stems from the dissatisfaction and anger we have towards the Creator. The basic human tendency is to desire something one does not have. Imagine all your materialistic cravings ever, all the things or beings you've ever wanted to have or be, rolled into a single ball of aspiration. That is the magnitude of our want. Yes, of course you are an OBJECT, which is worth preserving, for we are not even worth having or possessing. You are the kinder one, the tender one, the prettier one, the mature one, the multi-tasker, the balancer, the life-giver, the life-maker, the home-maker, the socialiser, the therapist, the healer, and the soul mate. We are worthless without you. The word beauty was invented because of you. The source of nature’s abstract beauty is derived from yours. A man may be handsome, cute, debonair, dashing or maybe even pretty. But have you heard of someone being a ‘beautiful’ man?  You’re everything we’ve ever wanted to be.

Then how come we have dominated you for so long? How come you have been the secondary sex for centuries? How come you have had to struggle so hard to get an equal status as us? Shouldn’t it all have been the other way round?

The answer perhaps lies in the single attribute God nonchalantly gave us so that we could protect and preserve his most valuable creation. THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH (Feminists: kindly accept this one silently because you know you cannot refute.  Boys: No, it’s not the lower body-part as well because they give us birth; and kindly do not even try to start the 'getting kicked in the crotch' debate, for it’s NOT the same, getting kicked continuously for an hour might come close though). Yes, the Upper Body Strength. And then He created Darwin, whose theory of ‘Survival of the fittest’, we took to heart. We knew that if we did not react quickly, we’d be conquered in no time. And it was then that we started shifting the balance of power in our favour. Believe me, this was no easy job. Year-by-year, Centuries after centuries of inflicting pain, humiliation, mind-numbing molestation, combined with systematic terror-inducing persuasion and brainwashing, finally enabled us to make you believe that we are the superior sex. The blatant misuse of one tiny fine-tuning of our metabolic system made us reverse the whole-process of mankind (kindly note that it’s never womankind) and transformed you into thinking that you depend on us. God can simply call on the M-Seal company to be His (Ha! He’s a He too!!) Brand ambassador just for their fitting tagline ‘Ek tapakti boond aapki zindagi badal sakti hai’ (A single droplet can change your life).

           

         It has been a careful, wonderful and a well-orchestrated plan though. Firstly, we outnumbered you by continuously killing you at birth itself (the sub-continent method; processes differ from region to region). After de-equalising the ratio, we created some convenient rules of the society. We accused you of many ill-deeds, sins of the past, for eg. calling your menstrual pains the results of the Eve's misdeeds (differs yet again, suit yourselves) and many other theories. Since we were in the majority, we had the liberty to take any fact and twist it into any ridiculous way and then impose it upon you without you ever questioning. Once it was established that you could do us no harm, we started reminding you about your multiple duties towards us. We kept piling more upon you, so much so that you were expected to do more work at once than Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris combined. To our surprise, you still thrived. Tell us to boil water and milk in two different pans at once and we would panic, but you could effortlessly cook multiple dishes, change the diaper of the baby, wash the clothes, talk to the neighbour across, greet the visitors with utmost dignity, uphold the honour of your adopted family while ignoring yours, all at once.

We were stumped on seeing this, and increased the jealousy quotient by a few notches. Something had to be done. After all, it’s not easy accepting inferiority when you have such a big ego. Obviously we had to overlook the fact that you have no such issues since you’re the humbler, gentler one as well. We, therefore, labelled this quality of yours as meek/weak and asked you to surrender. So we now hovered upon you like some colossal figure to protect you against the same specimen of our species, be it as a father, a brother, a husband or a boyfriend trying to act like an Action Hero in front of you. Also, the reservations we have had for you in various sectors like education, politics, transport, workplaces etc. are nothing but a testament to our superiority. We have subsequently taken the lead in every profession we could, and labelled those in which we could not as secondary or worthless. We have now successfully set up a few regulations (mostly wishes) which you are expected to abide by especially during your marital days:

1.      Even though we might look like the uglier versions of Tamraj Kilvish (the antagonist of the popular Doordarshan serial Shaktiman) ourselves, but for our life partners, we want the combination of an Aishwarya Rai and a Kaamwali Baai (Domestic help).

2.      If we don’t get #1 (most of us don’t), we will treat you as an educated maid who either should quit her job, or balance it with the household and of course our families. All of this coupled with occasional sessions of maar-pitai* (commonly known as domestic violence).

3.      YOU WILL NOT EARN MORE THAN US. If you do so, that money is automatically ours. You see, satisfaction of the male ego is of utmost importance.

4.      Of course, we will conveniently forget about the ego part while taking dowry. You may want to argue that it’s the same, but these are our rules, and we Rule*!!!

5.      This goes without saying, but you know who’ll be blamed in case of any abuse or assault initiated by us.

The list is endless, so I hope you do realise that you’ll never be able to reverse the situation. It is an unspoken, unwritten law amongst us (another quality of ours; throughout the world, the masculine brain functions the same way), that no woman shall ever come to know that she was supposed to be the special one. Over the centuries, some of you have frequently tried to oppose us by raising your voices, but you all know how brutally they have been crushed. The levels of successes we have achieved are only due to the unity and the sheer number of our gender which you can never hope to have because we have turned your own kind against you. Your only hope of even a slight chance of reversal is that if you start NOW, unite all the women of the world to be together against us, then given your ability to work faster than us, you will probably take a mere 1500 years. But since you are more virtuous than us as well, you would prefer peace in your families and surroundings. Therefore, the Adams can sit back and be rest assured about their dominance through their many subsequent afterlives as well.

                                                       Ah!!! The bliss!!!

*I know that my writing is getting more unprofessional and juvenile by each passing day, but what the heck, I’m a man!!!